The film challenge is dead! I killed it but let’s face it, it needed to be killed after watching nothing but indie artsy crap for too long. So I’m just gonna watch and review any film I feel like watching. Starting with 1982’s “Conan the Barbarian”. Directed by John Milius and staring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Conan, this fantasy adventure is based on Robert E Howard’s stories from the 1930s. This film, according to IMDb, is about a barbarian warrior sets off to avenge his parents and his tribe whom were slain by an evil sorcerer and his henchmen when he was a boy. I’ve never seen this film so wasn’t sure what to expect. So I asked my mum and she said, “Arnie in a loincloth”. She’s not wrong. What she didn’t tell me was all the deaths I would see. Holy crap, so many gruesome deaths. Also, as I watched this on Sky Cinema Superheroes (that is an actual channel here in the UK), I saw 5 pairs of boobs and Arnie’s ass before the watershed. Cheers Sky. I enjoyed the beginning and the ending. Everything in the middle was a complete mystery to me. I didn’t have a clue what was going on. That and I didn’t know anyone’s names excluding Conan. I ended up referring to people as ‘Baddie’, ‘Discount Thor’, ‘Jimmy del Ray’ and ‘Female Conan’ just to name a few. I don’t know if the remakes addresses the name issue but I refuse to watch it because there was no need to remake this apart from Hollywood to milk paying customers of their money. Another thing I’m annoyed about, but this is just me, but there wasn’t any cheesy Arnie one liners! Did he start doing those after this or did they not write any for him? Throughout the film, I did get the feeling that the makers of Skyrim were influenced by this film as the costumes and scenery are similar. One last thing to talk about is this,
“Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom… so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!” That brought out a man tear in me.
If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1982’s “Conan the Barbarian”. Also, as a kid when I saw this poster, I though this was a live action He-Man. Just me?
Film – Conan the Barbarian
Year – 1982
Director – John Milius
Written By – John Milius, Oliver Stone
Starring – Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow
IMDb Rating – 6.9/10
My Rating – 7/10
Length – 129 mins (2h 9min)
Genre – Adventure, Fantasy
Rated 15? Ok then
I’m saying this now before the film gets going, if there isn’t any cheesy Arnie one liners in this I’m gonna be pissed
So… That’s how swords are made? Minecraft told me to stick some ingots on sticks
Do we need all this detailing on a sword?
Holy green screen! I can see green in this man’s hair!
Also, if they’re that high in the clouds, shouldn’t there be more wind? Just me?
Cut to young Conan fishing in a pond
A man wearing ugg boots with a sleeve tattoo runs through the woods followed by men on horses
I’m gonna assume these are barbarians
All I saw then was a massive streak of flames followed by more death
And Conan’s dad has been stabbed and mauled to death by dogs
That is a glorious mullet
This feels like I’m playing Skyrim. Just waiting for the dragons to show up
Look, I’m sorry my men killed your dad and burned your village down… but….
Oh… He just chopped off his mum’s head! Ok then…
Back to more narration as Conan is now tied up
That thing seems to be doing all the work itself, why do they need all these slaves there?
So… Conan’s been pushing this thing nonstop from being a kid to adulthood???
Now it feels like Skyrim with all the snow
Time for some late night wrestling
And we open the match with biting
Conan’s going for a hammerlock but chooses to ram his opponents head into the wall making him the winner
So… Conan is now a killer for people’s entertainment???
If a sword won’t kill them, a spinning heel kick will
Nudity? Before the watershed?
Don’t you hate it when you want to have sex but a group of horny men watch just to get their wank on
Finally!!! Over 20 minutes in and Conan finally speaks
So… His trainer has just freed Conan???
Who makes a cave buried within a bunch of boulders?
Random skeletons in the same cave as Conan?
Wait… Is that his sword his dad made? What’s it doing in a cave?
After some exploring, Conan discovers a woman in a hut
Nothing says sexy back in those days like a woman riding a cow skin rug
Wait… Is she a fortune teller?
Why are we whispering?
I’ll tell you where the thing is you looking for but only if you shag me
Don’t you hate it when you’re mid sex and the girl you’re with turns out to be a magical vampire?
Well then… That was weird.
30 minutes in and I finally know someone’s name that isn’t Conan’s – Unfortunately I haven’t a clue what it is because he said it so quickly
Wait… Where did they get all that roast chicken?
Wait… God is more mightier than God?? Huh?
This hooded man reminds me of an old uni friend
“You’re all sluts” – Ok then
Conan just punched a donkey!
Conan doesn’t need a rope with arms his size
Why are we climbing the giant tower with snakes on it for again? I’ve forgotten
So… The insides of this tower contains a church
More naked women before the watershed! Cheers Sky! Always loved you
Meanwhile, Conan and his mate steal a gem from a pit of snakes
Don’t you hate it when you’re trying to rob someone only to find that it’s your enemies hideout but a snake tries to kill you
Wait… This naked woman is praying to be killed for a ritual by the giant snake that just had it’s head chopped off?
At the bar, Conan gives Female Conan the gem he stole
I’m calling her Female Conan as she hasn’t been named yet
Time for some more sex – That’s two I’ve counted and 4 pairs of boobs in less than an hour
Did he shag her so hard she fell asleep?
Cut to Conan falling asleep into his bowl of soup
The Hall of King Orsick?
Wait… He’s the king? Ok then
So… The King approves of thievery… And sacrificing naked women to snakes
So… The King is asking Conan and friends to free his daughter from someone
Cut to Female Conan waking up to see that Conan has left her
Back to this film making me want to play Skyrim right about now
The Children of Doom? They look a little old to be children
Conan then finds a wizard and the two share cooked chicken
Conan then trades in his horse for a camel and flowers
There are come weird rituals in this film
Ok… What’s happening now?
Conan admits to a priest that he’s shy of his body before stealing his clothes
So… This is all a cult lead by the people who killed Conan’s parents?
Seriously now… What’s happening?
Why does the evil man look like Jimmy del Ray?
Wait…. How can they tell that’s Conan? He had a hood up?
And why is there a woman dancing with snakes on her hands?
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
What is with these names?
So… He made a woman jump off a cliff to prove that flesh is stronger than steel? Huh?
Cut to Conan crucified on the Tree of Woe
Also, Conan is in a loincloth
Did you really need the camera positioned between Conan’s legs?
Wait… How did his friend and Female Conan find him? How did they know he was here?
Time for more rituals
So… They’re asking the gods to resurrect Conan? I think that is whats happening
I am really confused now
Conan’s back to normal!! Hooray! Now go kill the baddie
It’s taken me almost the entire film to finally know the baddies name – Its Fosradoom… I think
This red lighting and that body paint makes them look like rejected members or Tursias
This song just sung about asbestos
More boobs! 5 pairs now!
So… That’s what an orgy looks like
An orgy with leopards and oversized bowls of soup
Now this feels like Star Wars. The princess is Leia in her slave attire and the baddie is Jabba
Erm…. Is he transforming into a snake?
He has just transformed into a snake!
Oh…. It’s an oversized bowl of soup containing severed body parts
And now we get a Conan killing spree!
Cameraman just got taken out by the oversized bowl of soup!
I did that with my hammer? Man, I’m strong… Oh, Hi Conan
Are you really using snakes as arrows?
Good shot! He’s hit Female Conan
And Female Conan is dead
So… Conan’s decides to burn Female Conan’s dead body
Oh now the princess speaks
So Conan’s gonna kill the baddies to avenge his parents and Female Conan
“Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That’s what’s important! Valor pleases you, Crom… so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!” – Sorry I had to insert it somewhere
JESUS!!! These deaths are quite something
Did that horse just no-sell an arrow?
No Conan! Don’t let discount Thor and Jimmy del Ray win!
And there goes Jimmy del Ray lookalike
The Wizard just got stabbed in the ass
Clever contraption by Conan kills Discount Thor leaving only Baddie
Ok Jimmy del Ray lookalike is still alive!
And now he’s dead…. With the help from the spirit of Female Conan?!?!
Baddie rides away after his snake arrow is blocked by what sounded like a bin lid
Time for another ritual… But this one’s at night!
Also, has Conan gone alo… Oh no there’ The Princess? Why is she with him?
What on earth are you talking about?
Hold up… Baddie is Conan’s dad all along?
Me and Conan both were thinking, “Bollocks to this” as Conan chops Baddie’s head off
I guess that’s one way to receive head
And this is why you never follow a cult… Especially one as fucked up as this one
Conan then shows off his discuss throwing skills to burn the temple down as Princess looks on
We end with Conan sat on a thrown with a beard as text scrolls along the screen
Conan is King!!!