Film – Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Year – 2010
Director – James Nguyen
Written By – James Nguyen
Starring – Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Tippi Hedren
IMDb Rating – 1.8/10
My Rating – A CGI Birdemic Bird
Length – 93 mins (1h 33min)
Genre – Horror, Romance, Thriller
We open with shots of Rod driving his Ford Mustang very slowly
Erm… Did the cameraman fall over? Why is this shot slanted? Oh God! Battlefield Earth flashbacks!!!!!!
Really? The entire opening credits is just a continuous shot of the road?
Lets see that parking job! – If this guy parks as well as he acts then we’re in for a treat
Why is Rod walking like The Terminator?
JESUS!!! What happened to the audio?
Stop staring at the woman trying to cut her food
Most awkward chat up lines in movie history
Wait… You remember where you sat in English class as a kid?
Wait… How do you know her name? She never told you… Or us!
Can someone tell the cameraman in the newsroom to pan the camera down slightly? No? Ok then
HOORAY!!! MORE DRIVING SHOTS
Really? They shot footage of Rod stuck in traffic? Why?
Finally! We arrive at Rod’s place of work
Hope you said “Woohoo” after you hung up?
Meanwhile, Nathalie is modelling at an audition
If you’re the sort of person who likes knowing what people do constantly then congratulations this film is for you
Wait… How did she get the Victoria’s Secret job? She was only auditioning for a few minutes?
Wait… You’re ringtone is a bike bell ringing?
What’s with the awkward pauses between cuts
“A day without sex is a day wasted” – Rod’s workmate
PAN THE NEWS CAMERA DOWN!!!! I don’t need to see the lightning rig
Hybrid Formula 1 cars? So everyone’s driving the Mercedes F1 W05 Hybrid (thanks Wiki)
Why are we shown an entire sales pitch for solar panels?
And now for Rod’s dinner date with Nathalie at a Thai restaurant
This conversation is putting me to sleep
Is it me or did Rod ask Nathalie about “Molly”? But they played it off as if he said modelling?
Shout out to the San Francisco 49ers
Oh no! Nathalie’s already seeing someone…. Oh, it’s a photo of her cat
23 minutes and we finally see our first look at the birds
There’s a lot of panning shots in this film
Did they film that slow dance shot in front of a green screen?
Cut to the next day as Nathalie sees her mom
Rule one in sex! SWITCH THE PHONE OFF
And now for a business meeting
$1 billion takeover for a software company? Who bought them?
Was Rod’s friend just dry humping a chair?
MUSTANGS ARE NOT PLUG-IN HYBRIDS!!!!!
And now for a double date
Out of all the films to take your date to see, Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” isn’t one of them
Time for more of Rod’s work life
WHY DO WE NEED TO SEE THESE BUSINESS MEETINGS?
$10 million funding for eco-friendly solar panels?
Cut to the art & pumpkin festival
There is an awful lot of nothing happening in most of these scenes
Hey look! Another shot of Rod driving! Haven’t seen one of those in a while
And now they’re on the beach
So… They went to the beach to show the audience a dead CGI bird
This mom is a bit of a know it all
WHERE’S THE FAST FORWARD FUNCTION WHEN I NEED IT???
Cut to Rod and Nathalie on a date in an empty Irish restaurant
Someone clearly forgot to mic Nathalie as I can’t hear her
And Rod’s audio somehow got louder between shots
And now to dance in an empty restaurant with a karaoke singer singing in front of three large TV’s that are switched off
Wait… That inserted a song over this guy’s singing as how mouth don’t match the words in the song
And now for sex
More panning shots
Clearly the director ran out of footage and just inserted shots of the town to add up minutes
BIRDS!!!! FINALLY!!! Only took 48 minutes for them to finally attack
Wait… Did they have sex and put their clothes back on? Or did they have sex with their clothes on?
That is some awkward running if I’ve ever seen
Let’s attack these birds with motel coat hangers
Oh God! It’s that shot! Just swing coat hangers around and act like you’re hitting them
Wait… That van’s not a hybrid!
Wait… What… Who keeps a gun in their car?
Don’t you hate it when you’re in a rush and you can’t find the button to open the trunk of your car?
Now that we’re rescued two kids who’s parents were killed we can move on
Also, I like that they are firing guns while on the side of the road next to busy traffic
Shout out to the small girl playing with a PlayStation Portable
That kid’s lines are clearly dubbed over
Shout out to the different bags of Doritos on the shelves that we don’t get here in the UK
Wait.. You need to survive and the last thing you grab is champagne?
Wait.. Where did Nathalie get a gun from? Or did Rod give his to her?
And now for a picnic and a quick toilet break
Cut to an old man with a mask who tells us that the birds have bird flu
Wait… All of this is because of global warning? Where’s Al Gore when I need him?
Thanks for explaining global warning
Does everyone in this town carry a gun on them at all times?
So… He left the US Army and took their guns with you as a reward? THEIF!!!
And now to watch a woman take a shit
Oh no! That bus is being attacked! Better go save them
I can’t hear what those people on the bus are shouting
Did those birds just puke all over them?
And that “puke” has killed everyone… Except Rod, Nathalie and the kids
That shop owner looks annoyed – Probably because he’s in this film
$100 a gallon for gas?
And now to help out a cowboy who’s also out of gas
Really? It’s got to that point where people will kill one another over gas
Doesn’t matter because a bird just slit the cowboy’s throat and killed him
Erm… You left the gas behind! ROD!!! THE GAS!!! YOU… YOU FORGOT THE GAS!!!!
And now for a walk through the woods
Cut to a man who lives in the trees
That has to be a wig that man is wearing
So… The birds only attack things that need gas?
MORE GLOBAL WARMING TALK
Oh no! The woods are on fire! Better jog back to the van
Again they choose to help someone out… Oh look! It’s Rod’s work friend and his girlfriend! They’re both dead!
“Dammit! We ran out of gas!” – If only you didn’t leave that gallon of gas on the side of the road
And there goes the audio again
Oh wait it’s back just as Rod finds a fishing rod and a stove in the back of the van
Well… There goes their fish supper
And now they’re out of bullets
That broken windshield doesn’t look CGI’ed at all
And now the birds are leaving