Manos: The Hands of Fate #MovieReview

It’s time, once again, to dip into the giant list of films I have and randomly pick one. This time is 1966’s “Manos: The Hands of Fate”. Directed by Harold P Warren, this horror film is about a family that gets lost on the road and stumbles upon a hidden, underground, devil-worshiping cult led by the fearsome Master (Tom Neyman) and his servant Torgo (John Reynolds) in a desert in El Paso, Texas. This film developed a cult status after Mystery Science Theater did an episode on this film. That was 65 minutes of my life that I will never get back. The amount of terribleness in his film is off the charts. First of all, no one in this film could act which explains why everyone in the film never appeared in another film after this. Even the director didn’t make another film after this before his death in December 1985. The dad was useless and a liar, Margaret was unlikeable, Debbie, the child, mumbled through every line she had and only cared about a dog that her asshole parents refused to tell her had been killed. Torgo walked around like a mixture of someone who was both drunk and had crapped their pants. Then there’s The Master who may have looked a lot like a young John Cleese but he sure didn’t have his acting abilities. Nothing in this film made sense. Why did we need to see a random couple making out getting drunk of what appeared to be cough medicine? Why are the cops even in this film? They did nothing towards the plot and quite frankly, I forgot they were even in the film for most of it. But the biggest question of all… Who is Manos? We hear The Master say his name but at no point do we find out who he is. Can I recommend this film to anyone? Absolutely not! Can I recommend the Mystery Science Theater episode where they do their alternate commentary on this film? Yes. Overall, this is a terrible that you should avoid at all costs. Only watch unless you’re with friends and everyone of you are drunk, on drugs, or both. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what i had to say while watching 1966’s “Manos: The Hands of Fate”

1966manosthehandsoffate3

Film – Manos: The Hands of Fate
Year – 1966
Director – Harold P Warren
Written By – Harold P Warren
Starring – Tom Neyman, John Reynolds, Diane Adelson, Harold P Warren
IMDb Rating – 1.9/10
My Rating – TERRIBLE!!
Length – 68 mins (1h 8min)
Genre – Horror

We open with a family sat in a car on the side of the road

“I’ve never gotten us lost before” – That means he will get lost pretty soon

Why are we singing “Row Row Row Your Boat”? And does the dad not know the lyrics?

And now they’ve been pulled over by police for a tail light problem

Wait… You can get out of getting a ticket by telling the police that you’re running late?

That sign looks like it says “Valley Looge”

This song is giving me a headache

Are they getting drunk of cough medicine?

Remember how the dad said he’s never gotten lost before…. He’s lost now!

Wait… The police are telling a couple off for making out in a car by the side of the road

Also, that car has only one seat? Is she sat on the floor?

What is with this music?

She looks like she’s never seen a drunk man before in her life

The drunk looking man is named Torgo

So… The Master doesn’t like children?

How to kill time in this film – Awkwardly look around at one another for several minutes

Why is Torgo walking like he’s shit himself?

That is a very spacious living room

How to kill more time in this film – Just have the camera look at random things for long periods of time

This film is already making me hate myself for picking it

MORE STALLING

Wait… How quickly did it get dark? Is the sun powered by a light switch?

Oh no! Their dog has been killed! Better tell our daughter the news in a way she doesn’t know fully

Wait… It’s light again!

Oh no! The car won’t start and now we’re stuck here! Gee, what a coincidence

Torgo says The Master wants the wife

That was the worst slap ever!!! Not only did she miss him but there was no sound effect to cover up the miss

What’s stopping her from leaving?

23 minutes in and now I know the wife’s name – It’s Margaret

10 miles for the nearest phone? Now we’re really are stuck here

24 minutes in and now I know the little child’s name – It’s Debbie

SHE’S IN THAT ROOM!!! You didn’t even bother opening the door properly

All I want to see now is The Master arrive and just kill everyone

Debbie returns with the dog from the painting… That just disappeared!

I have no idea what Debbie is saying – She’s mumbling through her lines

We finally see The Master… Asleep with his wives chained to a pillar

Torgo goes to see The Master saying he wants Margaret

Is Torgo sniffing that sleeping womans…. downstairs parts?

This music’s putting me to sleep more than the film

Cut to Torgo rubbing his knob on a wall while perving on Margaret

And Torgo just attacked the dad!!!

Killing more time by failing to tie dad’s arms behind a tree

FINALLY!! THE MASTER HAS AWOKEN!

Back to the couple making out getting drunk on cough medicine – WHY???

And again the police tell them off for making out! – They just took the same scene from earlier but changed the day settings from day to night

Meanwhile, The Master gives his rock a rub before speaking in tongues

Is it me or The Master looks a little like John Cleese?

Wait.. Is The Master’s cloak pattern two giant handprints?

The Wives awake and immediately start arguing

So… Their plan is to kill Debbie because… reasons!

Or… Their plan is to kill the dad because… Ah who cares just kill him!

There’s another terrible slap with an even worst sound effect

WHO IS MANOS????

WHY ARE WE FIGHTING???

Excuse me for a minute…. CAT FIGHT!!! CAT FIGHT!!!

Back to The Master who confronts Torgo about him visiting him and his wives outside office hours

I wonder what will happen quicker – My food being cooked or the death of Torgo

So… The Master killed Torgo with his mind?

AGAIN WHO IS MANOS???

Cut to one of the wives who finds the dad rather than free him decides to lick his face

Meanwhile… The Wives are still fighting! WHY???

Wait… I thought The Master killed Torgo? Why is Torgo hanging around with The Master like nothing happened?

Back to the argument of whether to kill Debbie

But first, we kill the wife who been winging the most

But before that… Now The Master will kill Torgo

Oh hi Margaret

Wait… How did Dad free himself from that tree?

So… The Wives way of killing Torgo is to slap him around before letting The Master have the final blow

Weakest…. Locked Door… EVER!!!

Wait…. He didn’t kill Torgo again!!! All he did was light his hand on fire and that somehow caused an explosion

MORE TERRIBLE SLAPPING!!!

WHO IS MANOS??? SOMEONE TELL ME!

Wait…. You managed to hurt yourself by falling into a pile of sand?

Wait… Why are they running through the desert to escape when they have a car?

And back to the useless policemen who somehow managed to hear a gun being fired from 10 miles away

WHY ARE THEY BACK AT THE HOUSE????

Wait… What just happened? Did the dad just shoot and kill The Master

Who are these two? Who introduces new characters at the end of the movie?

Wait… Dad is now the new Torgo??

THE END…. THANK FUCK

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