It’s time to dive into the random roulette of films once again and this time I’ve pulled out 1959’s “Plan 9 from Outer Space”. Directed by Ed Wood, this sci-fi horror film tells the story of extraterrestrials who are seeking to stop humanity from creating a doomsday weapon that could destroy the universe. On paper, that plot doesn’t sound that bad. But when you take that plot and the outcome is this… Oh boy! Where do you even start with this? The plot was not only hard to follow but confusing. I had no idea who anyone was and when I did they were either killed off or left the film completely without explanation. The special effects looked really cheap. And they probably were considering this film’s budget of $60,000 funded by a baptist church. I’m serious! Some of the cast let themselves get baptised in exchange for the funding. The acting in this film…(sighs)… Seeing this and 2003’s “The Room” before either tells me that no one has visited drama school or Hollywood really loves cashing in on pure garbage. On a side note, the undead female who was casted in this film. Is it me or does she look like she has no midsection? I saw a ribcage and sideboob but below that… NOTHING!!! It was really off putting to me. I apologise if I just offended anyone with that. From what I gathered, the people from another planet’s plan was to recruit the undead in aiding them defeat everyone who’s alive so the US Government would aid them in blowing up the sun so their planet can stay intact. Is your head hurting after reading that? Because mine sure as hell is! There was a part of the film I found so dull and boring that I left the film running in the background while I went off to make a sandwich. Sandwich making was more fun than this film. It’s no secret that this film is infamously bad. From the acting to the plot to everything in between. Many people call this film, ‘The Best Worst Film’ ever made. Do I agree with them? Probably not. But if you were to ask me that same question while I was high on every drug under the sun then you might get a different answer out of me. Overall, I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone unless you want a cheap laugh or to brag to your friends that you’ve seen it. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1959’s “Plan 9 from Outer Space”
Film – Plan 9 from Outer Space
Year – 1959
Director – Ed Wood
Written By – Ed Wood
Starring – Gregory Walcott, Tom Keene, Mona McKinnon, Bela Lugosi
IMDb Rating – 4/10
My Rating – 1/10
Length – 79 mins (1h 19min)
Genre – Horror, Sci-Fi
We open with Criswell Predicts – Did he predict how bad this film is gonna be?
Did they have autocues back then? Because it’s pretty clear by his eyes that he’s reading something
And he just exploded… OK then
Cut to a funeral being watched on by two gravediggers
Who’s talking right now? Because it certainly isn’t the priest? Do we have an narrator?
Yeah just walk over his grave like it isn’t there
You can clearly see him reading the script on his lap
Did I just see a shadow of the boom mic?
It’s a UFO!!!
I can see the string holding that up
Out of the smoke appears…. a vampire!!?!?
So… Did the old man just get ran over and killed?
Wait… That vampire is his dead wife? She looks over half his age!
Worst dubbed over scream ever
Inspector Clay arrives to investigate the two gravediggers who are now dead
Inspector Clay or as I shall call him “Mumbles McGee”
Cut to the pilot from earlier talking to his wife
“It looked like a cigar” – No it didn’t
I’m really struggling to watch this so far and I’ve only done 15 minutes
Did a vampire just emerge from that crypt?
That female vampire has no waist! She has a ribcage and then hips! Nothing in between
And the inspector is dead
I feeling I’ve seeing a repeat with these shots of the UFOs
GOOD GOD!!! THOSE EFFECTS LOOK TERRIBLE
That man picked a bad day to start drinking again
It’s pretty clear which shots from the army are stock footage and which were filmed in a studio
The aim this army has is terrible
MORE STOCK FOOTAGE!!!
Clearly these two have never visited a dialogue coach
Who are these two? And what’s with the weird arm salute?
They decide to activate Plan 9
Wait…. These are meant to be aliens? Why are they human and when did aliens know the English language?
The more I see of these UFO’s the more terrible they look
Look I know the sky is littered with UFO’s but I still have a plane to fly
Did he just kiss her on the nose?
Did she just admit that she masturbates with her husband’s pillow?
So… If he’s so concerned about her being locked inside safely then why does he drive a convertible with the roof down?
This is a plane in the air? They could’ve made the effort to rock the camera every now and then
It’s taken me 30 minutes to know the pilot’s name – It’s Jeff… or Geoff
Bela Lugosi returns as a vampire in the daylight – So this is where Twilight got the idea for vampires in the day
Wait… That bed is meant to fit two people? It barely fits her
Should’ve locked that door like your husband told you to
Yes… Run into the cemetery where all the reported deaths have occurred
Is that grave un-digging itself
A giant fat man emerges from the grave
Is she running in circles around a tree to avoid being caught?
Don’t you hate it when you need to escape from a bad situation and your car stalls
That undead fat man has an expression that reads “JUST FEED ME ALREADY”
I feel like I’ve seen these shots of Bela already
Wait… The undead are powered by electricity?
Did you just compare dead bodies to baked bread?
Time to investigate that grave that un-dug itself
Pretty sure that grave wasn’t that big earlier
Back to more stock footage… OF THE PENTAGON
I’m gonna fall asleep before this films ends – Time to speed it up
ACTIVATE 1.5x the speed!!!!!!
Wait… They have recordings from the UFO’s – HOW???
“This is our last…” – Last what? Resort? Recording?
Undead fat man arrives to a meeting and begins the choke one of the men
Wait… Dropping a gun stops the undead from doing any harm
I have no idea what’s happening
Not gonna lie…. I went to make a sandwich and left the film running in the background – Sandwich making was more fun than this film
The Colonel arrives at Jeff/Geoff’s house to talk about seeing the UFO for the first time
More reused shots of Bela
“It’s too dark” – Then get the flashlight out the car then you idiot
You fools! Bullets to the chest can’t hurt the undead! You have to shoot them in the head
So… The electricity caused Bela to turn into bones?!?!?
The female undead is wondering around….. doing nothing
So… Their new plan is to get caught to stop everything… WHAT???
Undead Clay just chopped a cop in the head and killed him
And now he’s about to do something to the wife
They find the ship with all the plans and the two people behind all this
Wait… They have a live feed of their undead????
So… They wanted help from the United States Government to aid them in blowing up the sun – HUH?
That was the weakest back hand that I have ever seen
Wait… They are aware of Christianity?
Their reasoning makes no sense
Meanwhile, another cop arrives to check on the one that was knocked out
I know I shouldn’t point it out but I can see the wife’s nipples from a mile away under that dress
Wait… She was pretending to be knocked out?
Yes! Destroy all your equipment to prevent your own plan from happening
IT’S A BURNING UFO!!!! And it just exploded
Oh yeah! What about the undead woman?
Back to Criswell Predicts who tells us to spread the word about what we have just seen
“God help us in the future”