1968’s Planet of the Apes #MovieReview

Film 333 in the “1001 Films to see before you die” challenge is 1968’s “Planet of the Apes”. Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner and based on Pierre Boulle’s novel of the same name, this mystery sci-fi adventure film is about an astronaut crew, lead by Charlton Heston, who crash-land on a strange planet in the distant future. Although the planet appears desolate at first, the surviving crew members stumble upon a society in which apes have evolved into creatures with human-like intelligence and speech. Let’s face it… This film is only remembered for one thing and that’s the last few seconds. Was it worth it? No because I saw Adam West do a much better version on Family Guy. I think the first talking point of the film was that there were many parts where I was bored. Especially during the scenes in the courtroom. The second talking point would be Nova. Or “Mute Girl” as I kept referring her as because no one told me her name until the credits. Why was she there? She meant nothing to the plot. Was she there to counteract the fact that Charlton Heston’s ass gets way too much screen time? The last talking point would be the apes themselves. From a costume perspective, it’s not bad considering it was the late 60’s. Nowadays, we might complain that the suit look a little rubbery which shows as some times, for example, Cornelius would talk but the lips on his mask wouldn’t move in time. Is this a film I would recommend? Only for a “watch once just to say you’ve seen it” scenario. Now for the ultimate question… Is this film better than 2001 Tim Burton remake staring Mark Walhburg? I can’t give an answer as I haven’t scene it nor have I seen the sequels, the recent reboots or the tv series from the 70s. Let me know what you think of them in the comments. Also, let me know if you’re looking forward to the upcoming “War of the Plant of the Apes” that’ll be released next year staring Woody Harrelson. In 1968, Roger Ebert had this to say about the film, “If you only condescend to see an adventure thriller on rare occasions, condescend this time. You have nothing to lower but your brow.” Fun Fact of the Film – Legend has it that Jerry Goldsmith composed all the music for this film while wearing a gorilla mask. If you have seen this film or any of the sequels/remakes then let me know what you thought of them in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1968’s “Planet of the Apes”.
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Film – Planet of the Apes
Year – 1968
Director – Franklin J. Schaffner
Written by – Michael Wilson, Rod Serling
Based On – “Planet of the Apes” by Pierre Boulle
Staring – Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowell, Kim Hunter
IMDb Rating – 8/10
My Rating – 6.5/10
Length – 106 min (1h 46min)
Genre – Adventure, Mystery, Sci-Fi

We open with an astronaut recording himself while his crew sleep

Wait… Is it 1972 or 2673?

You can clearly tell that this was filmed in front of a green screen

Well I guess that’s one way to stop people from rolling around for comfort in bed at the middle of the night

This planet looks a lot like the Grand Canyon…. Oh wait…

Did everyone just grow beards overnight?

This ship looks very cheaply made – Budget cuts at NASA?

Wait… It’s now 3978?

That man’s beard is clearly glued on

Why would you need a camera in a medical kit?

Did Landon just predict Neil Armstrong’s moon landing?

Have you ever tried running down a hill and hoping you don’t fall ass over teakettle?

WOW!!! Those thunder and lightning effect look real cheap

Good thing I have my cigar otherwise I’d be buggered

Also… How did he light it with no matches or lighter?

Heston’s laugh is clearly fake

20 minutes in and no apes! FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!!

Erm… Heston? Can you at least make it look like your talking normally than through your teeth?

Dodge has found life on this planet in the form of a flower

Also (this may sound like a stupid question) but do they have clouds on other planets besides Earth?

FINALLY! APES!!! Only took 25 minutes

Hooray! The gang have found water and immediately decide to swim naked in it

Nice to know Heston doesn’t tan his ass

Damn apes have destroyed everything! Now we have no supplies and tore all out shirts

Apes? They don’t look like them

They look like cavemen

Now we get apes!!! With machine guns riding horses – Didn’t expect to see that

And Dodge has been shot in the back of the head and killed

And Heston just got shot in the neck

And everyone has been captured by the apes

And just like any hunter, they pose for pictures with their findings

Dr Zailus? Looks more like Paul Williams

So… They shot Heston in the neck to the point where he has lost his voice?!?

Anyone else find it odd that there’s only one female caveman in this entire planet?

So… Are Heston and this mute girl a couple now?

Bright Eyes? Are they burning like fire?

So this is what wrestling cage matches looked like in the future?

WRTL? What does that mean?

46 minutes in and I now know Heston’s name – It’s Taylor

Fort Wayne, Indiana? What’s that? That place doesn’t exist anymore

Paper airplanes? Those are the future!

Has that burn on Heston’s chest changed colour from red to purple to now black?

Can’t Heston tell these scientists about his ship? Or has he forgotten?

And Heston escapes and comes across Dr Zalius giving a funeral?

I would’ve escaped if it wasn’t for that medalling kid!

Wait… Horses can run up stairs?

Where’s the Wilhelm Scream when you need it?

So… The apes have turned all the humans into museum attractions?

So… That mean’s Landon’s dead if he’s now a statue?

Sod it! Just throw everything but the kitchen sink at him

FINALLY!!! Heston can talk!

“Take your hands off me you damn, dirty ape”

IT’S A MADHOUSE!!!! Cut that song by Anthrax

Erm… Are we having a contract negotiation party?

Think we’ve seen enough of Heston’s ass

I’m getting bored now

I really don’t care about this now

Thank God that court scene is over

Wait… So Landon is alive but has had his brain cut up?!?

Turns out there more than one woman caveman – There’s 3!

Bugger! We’re back in court

So… What’s the verdict?

Wait… Why is Heston talking to Dr Zalius post-trial?

Cut to an ape smoking a cigar

So… The scientists are freeing Heston while everyone’s asleep?

Why take the girl? She’s done nothing but give googley eyes

Better head back to the crash site where our ship sank

Hope Landon’s flag is still there next to the raft

Look at the amount of blue screen in this one shot

Now that I’ve escaped… I can finally shave my beard

And Dr Zalius has found them but Heston tells him to have a proper look at a cave Cornelius found to prove humans exist

A doll? Who brought a baby wets itself on a hike?

So this is what no-scoping means

Zalius fell for that? What an idiot

Jeez! Wrapping rope around his neck! That’ll keep him still

So… Heston and the girl are leaving all the apes so they can live a new life together

So… All that evidence in the cave means nothing to Zalius!???!

Wait… They’ve been on Earth this entire time?!?

“YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

Yep… They blew up the Statue of Liberty – BASTARDS!!!

THE END

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