The Eagle (300/1001)

Film 300 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1925’s ‘The Eagle’. Directed by Clarence Brown and based on Alexander Pushkin’s novel entitled ‘Dubrovsky’, this silent comedy action drama is about Lieutenant Vladimir Dubrovsky (Rudolph Valentino) in the Russian army who catches the eye of Czarina Catherine II (Louise Dresser). After he rejects her advances and flees, she puts out a warrant for his arrest, dead or alive. When he learns that his father has been persecuted and killed, he dons a black mask and becomes an outlaw. Well… This film was shit! No question about it. I sat through the entire thing and had no idea what was happening or who was who. There were barely any caption cards to tell me dialogue or the plot so I’m having to guess what’s happening which is impossible as the film itself doesn’t tell me. All I gathered was that Dubrovsky was wanted dead for running away, became The Black Eagle and admitted to who he was just so he could stay married to some random girl who’s name was never brought up. Also, you can stop an execution of someone just by simply changing the name of the person about to be shot. Huh? I feel like I’ve wasted an hour of my life away. Also, my pet peeve with comedy films, if you advertise your film as a comedy film then have some funny moments in it. There was nothing funny in this. Was I meant to laugh at someone’s dad dying in his son’s arms? Overall, this film was terrible and I don’t recommend it to anyone. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1925’s “The Eagle”
the-eagle-1925.jpg

Film – The Eagle
Year – 1925
Director – Clarence Brown
Written by – Hans Kraly
Based On – “Dubrovsky” by Alexander Pushkin
Staring – Rudolph Valentino, Vilma Banky, Louise Dresser
IMDb Rating – 7.5/10
My Rating – A waste of time
Length – 76 min  (1h 16min)
Genre – Action, Comedy, Drama

We open with reading

WOW! This picture quality is terrible

Stupid target practice scared away her horse… and a random cart

And we already have love at first sight! 3 minutes in

“Ride the devil out of her horse” – I didn’t know the horse was possessed

Thanks for saving my horse…. Do you fancy supper?

Just had a minute of nothing happening

Remember that horse? It’s yours now!

If you don’t like you’re drink, just secretly throw it in a nearly plant

Even at 1.5x speed it’s dragging

So… She’s “drunk”? I use drunk in quotes as she’s clearly thrown all her booze in plants

Wait… What! Because he ran away before she could force herself onto him, she wants the Lt. brought back to her dead

Wanna be a General? Then just shag me!

Meanwhile, in a pub built in a basement some old men with beards drink and secretly share snotty tissues

Who leaves a bear in a wine cellar?

Wait… That’s a prank! The guy’s almost dead from a heart attack

For a father and daughter they are being very grabby and kissy

Lt. returns home to see his dad die – COMEDY FILM EVERYONE!!!!

So… My dad’s dead… Better seek vengeance and kill everyone as my new persona – The Black Eagle

Don’t you hate it when champagne bottles corks pop off by themselves

Is this Zorro or Robin Hood?

He wears a mask like Zorro but also steals from the rich and gives to the poor

Yes woman, your tiny dog will defend you against a gang of swordsmen

Good news everyone! The Black Eagle isn’t sexist!

So.. If you wear a mask she won’t go out with you

Won’t go out with me, eh? Well I’ll just stalk you on my horse down this empty road

She eventually gives in and falls in love

Meanwhile, at The Post House two men chat about a horse and carriage

5000 Euros for finding Lt.!

I look away for one second and we’re back at the castle of the Czarina

38 minutes in and I have no idea what’s happening

Don’t you hate it when you can’t get rings off your fingers

‘Revenge is sweet, but sometimes a girl is sweeter’ – WHAT!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?

Time for a dinner party

I’m so nervous I accidentally poured an entire carton of pepper in my soup

Meanwhile, a meat feast is happening at the other end of the table

The Lt. isn’t really hiding his Black Eagle gimmick well is he

Time for a dance… but not with my daughter

Right then, time to try that bear in the cellar prank on Lt.

And the bear has broke free… Nope the Lt. just shot and killed it… and almost the girl

Reading… from The Bible

51 minutes in and I still have no clue what’s happening

Better yet, I have no idea who anyone is

If you’re spying on someone, always hide in the cupboard for safety

Wait.. Where did she get that gun from?

And since when was The Black Eagle afraid of her?

So… Lt., who is The Black Eagle, has been left to guard Kryilla,,, the man The Black Eagle. wants to kill

Who massages headaches away by choking people

Also, why is Lt. teaching her French? Was that established or did I miss something about it?

Time to give you a headache massage… or not

And The Black Eagle’s men have ben captured

Lt. comes clean and says he’s The Black Eagle before his men are tortured

So… She doesn’t want him captured so they can stay in love

Quick! Hide in the confession box,,,, Which is also an escape route out of the castle!

And the two escape on a horse but are quickly met by 50 guards

Oh yeah, remember that 5000 Euro bounty…. Anyone?

So… Lt. has been order to death by Czarina and has ordered The General to kill him

Wait… How are they getting married? And why is she also in prison?

One furious make out session later and Lt. is off to be killed

Wait… You want to keep him alive… WELL ITS TOO LATE FOR THAT YOU STUPID BITCH!!!

Wait… One name change and the Lt is kept alive?!?

THE END

What a shit ending

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s