Film 300 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1925’s ‘The Eagle’. Directed by Clarence Brown and based on Alexander Pushkin’s novel entitled ‘Dubrovsky’, this silent comedy action drama is about Lieutenant Vladimir Dubrovsky (Rudolph Valentino) in the Russian army who catches the eye of Czarina Catherine II (Louise Dresser). After he rejects her advances and flees, she puts out a warrant for his arrest, dead or alive. When he learns that his father has been persecuted and killed, he dons a black mask and becomes an outlaw. Well… This film was shit! No question about it. I sat through the entire thing and had no idea what was happening or who was who. There were barely any caption cards to tell me dialogue or the plot so I’m having to guess what’s happening which is impossible as the film itself doesn’t tell me. All I gathered was that Dubrovsky was wanted dead for running away, became The Black Eagle and admitted to who he was just so he could stay married to some random girl who’s name was never brought up. Also, you can stop an execution of someone just by simply changing the name of the person about to be shot. Huh? I feel like I’ve wasted an hour of my life away. Also, my pet peeve with comedy films, if you advertise your film as a comedy film then have some funny moments in it. There was nothing funny in this. Was I meant to laugh at someone’s dad dying in his son’s arms? Overall, this film was terrible and I don’t recommend it to anyone. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1925’s “The Eagle”
Film – The Eagle
Year – 1925
Director – Clarence Brown
Written by – Hans Kraly
Based On – “Dubrovsky” by Alexander Pushkin
Staring – Rudolph Valentino, Vilma Banky, Louise Dresser
IMDb Rating – 7.5/10
My Rating – A waste of time
Length – 76 min (1h 16min)
Genre – Action, Comedy, Drama
We open with reading
WOW! This picture quality is terrible
Stupid target practice scared away her horse… and a random cart
And we already have love at first sight! 3 minutes in
“Ride the devil out of her horse” – I didn’t know the horse was possessed
Thanks for saving my horse…. Do you fancy supper?
Just had a minute of nothing happening
Remember that horse? It’s yours now!
If you don’t like you’re drink, just secretly throw it in a nearly plant
Even at 1.5x speed it’s dragging
So… She’s “drunk”? I use drunk in quotes as she’s clearly thrown all her booze in plants
Wait… What! Because he ran away before she could force herself onto him, she wants the Lt. brought back to her dead
Wanna be a General? Then just shag me!
Meanwhile, in a pub built in a basement some old men with beards drink and secretly share snotty tissues
Who leaves a bear in a wine cellar?
Wait… That’s a prank! The guy’s almost dead from a heart attack
For a father and daughter they are being very grabby and kissy
Lt. returns home to see his dad die – COMEDY FILM EVERYONE!!!!
So… My dad’s dead… Better seek vengeance and kill everyone as my new persona – The Black Eagle
Don’t you hate it when champagne bottles corks pop off by themselves
Is this Zorro or Robin Hood?
He wears a mask like Zorro but also steals from the rich and gives to the poor
Yes woman, your tiny dog will defend you against a gang of swordsmen
Good news everyone! The Black Eagle isn’t sexist!
So.. If you wear a mask she won’t go out with you
Won’t go out with me, eh? Well I’ll just stalk you on my horse down this empty road
She eventually gives in and falls in love
Meanwhile, at The Post House two men chat about a horse and carriage
5000 Euros for finding Lt.!
I look away for one second and we’re back at the castle of the Czarina
38 minutes in and I have no idea what’s happening
Don’t you hate it when you can’t get rings off your fingers
‘Revenge is sweet, but sometimes a girl is sweeter’ – WHAT!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?
Time for a dinner party
I’m so nervous I accidentally poured an entire carton of pepper in my soup
Meanwhile, a meat feast is happening at the other end of the table
The Lt. isn’t really hiding his Black Eagle gimmick well is he
Time for a dance… but not with my daughter
Right then, time to try that bear in the cellar prank on Lt.
And the bear has broke free… Nope the Lt. just shot and killed it… and almost the girl
Reading… from The Bible
51 minutes in and I still have no clue what’s happening
Better yet, I have no idea who anyone is
If you’re spying on someone, always hide in the cupboard for safety
Wait.. Where did she get that gun from?
And since when was The Black Eagle afraid of her?
So… Lt., who is The Black Eagle, has been left to guard Kryilla,,, the man The Black Eagle. wants to kill
Who massages headaches away by choking people
Also, why is Lt. teaching her French? Was that established or did I miss something about it?
Time to give you a headache massage… or not
And The Black Eagle’s men have ben captured
Lt. comes clean and says he’s The Black Eagle before his men are tortured
So… She doesn’t want him captured so they can stay in love
Quick! Hide in the confession box,,,, Which is also an escape route out of the castle!
And the two escape on a horse but are quickly met by 50 guards
Oh yeah, remember that 5000 Euro bounty…. Anyone?
So… Lt. has been order to death by Czarina and has ordered The General to kill him
Wait… How are they getting married? And why is she also in prison?
One furious make out session later and Lt. is off to be killed
Wait… You want to keep him alive… WELL ITS TOO LATE FOR THAT YOU STUPID BITCH!!!
Wait… One name change and the Lt is kept alive?!?
What a shit ending