Film 284 in the ‘1001 Films to See Before You Die’ challenge is 1986’s ‘Caravaggio’. Directed by Derek Jarman, who had directed a whole bunch of short films as well as 1985’s ‘The Angelic Conversation’ about homosexuality with dialogue by Judi Dench, this biographic historical drama is about the life of Baroque painter Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio, played by Nigel Terry. Long story short, this film was a waste of time. I had no idea who anyone was, except Caravaggio, or what was happening. Why is Caravaggio dancing around naked with an older man who wanted to buy his painting with money? Why does Caravaggio prefer knives over money? And why is he getting his foot Christened? He just comes across as a bit of a dick. There was nothing from this that I can remember. So with that in mind, if you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1986’s ‘Caravaggio’
Film – Caravaggio
Year – 1986
Director – Derek Jarman
Written by – Derek Jarman, Suso Cecchi d’Amico, Nicholas Ward-Jackson
Staring – Noam Almaz, Dexter Fletcher, Dawn Archibald
IMDb Rating – 6.7/10
My Rating – ZZZzzz
Length – 93 min (1h 33min)
Genre – Biography, Drama, History
We open with a man wasting a lot of black paint
It’s 1610 and that man sleeps with one eye open
You cry salt from your fingertips?
LIES!!!! Your lips aren’t blue
Cut to an old woman counting coins as a little boy watches
‘Stars are the diamonds of the poor’ – Shame as it’s cloudy tonight where I live
Not quite sure what’s happening
Nice to know Caravaggio likes to paint Medusa on shields
Why does everyone in this house only communicate by whistles
Who is this man who is watching this other man sleep
We then find a man who wants to buy a painting of Caravaggio for 50… somethings
Erm… So if this man wants to see more paintings, he has to get naked with a young boy and get drunk and dance
So… I guess the sale is off
Erm… Why is he getting his foot christened?
Why is everyone sleeping in beds wrapped in giant stockings?
The Priest then takes a closer look at The Crown of Thorns
Wait… You sell paintings for knives?
Still have no idea what’s happening
Quickly losing interest