Titanic #MovieReview

Film 268 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1997’s “Titanic”. Based on the sinking of the RMS Titanic in 1912 and the directors fascination with shipwrecks, this James Cameron romantic drama is about two members of different social classes who fall in love aboard the ship during its ill-fated maiden voyage. The one film I’ve been avoiding for so long and I finally watched it today. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t avoiding it because of the length or because people say it doesn’t hold up after 18 years, but because I this film really isn’t for me. All I cared about was watching the boat sink as that was the only scene I had never seen. I’d seen all the rest in high school, including Kate Winslet in the nude, but that was the one scene every teacher would fast forward through. I’m not gonna lie, this film dragged. The last hour and a half dragged so much I ended up helping my mum beat levels in Candy Crush just to entertain myself. From what I gathered in this film, the poor are scum, the rich are the best people to ever live and the captain of the Titanic doesn’t know what to do when his ship sinks. Again, this film isn’t for me but is one to recommend to some people. Also, that piece of wood could clearly fit both Jack and Rose on it!!!! I’m got gonna get into this argument but I’m pretty sure my neighbours down the block heard me I was shouting at the TV that loud. Fun Fact of the film – Gloria Stewart became the oldest person ever nominated for an Oscar after her role in this film. She was 87. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I said while watching 1997’s “Titanic”

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Film – Titanic
Year – 1997
Director – James Cameron
Written by – James Cameron
Based On – The Sinking of the RMS Titanic
Staring – Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane
IMDb Rating – 7.7/10
My Rating – 6.7/10
Length – 186 min (3h 6min)
Genre – Drama, Romance

Is this actual footage of the real Titanic leaving in 1912?
A crew of people in submarines find Titanic at the bottom of the sea
That line made no sense
This guy made vlogging a thing back in 1997
Snoop Dog?
Don’t you hate it when your robot can’t fit through a door
They found a safe in someone’s bedroom
Looks like a bust safe with nothing good inside
Looks like they did find something! A drawing of a naked woman – Brock’s gonna add that to his wank bank
So… This old woman is Rose
Better fly her, Lizzy & her dog to the middle of the ocean to question her
Does she really need all that luggage? And the goldfish?
Nice to know Old Rose can remember her belongings after 84 years
Thanks for the re-creation. And for reminding me of the darkest day of my life
Flashback to the day Titanic set sail
Is it really needed to take cars onto the ship?
So… The film says it left from Southampton but it actually left from Belfast
Wanna speed things up? We’re running late
Meanwhile, Jack plays poker with some Swedes for Titanic tickets
5 minutes to run and board Titanic? Easy
Americans don’t have lice?!?
27 minutes in and Titanic has left the docks
What ship has a fireplace in first class?
Haha! No one knows Picasso
Ah! So it did leave Ireland! Not Southampton
Well… We all know what’s coming next
Who needs entertainment on the ship when we have dolphins
“I’m the king of the world”
Lamb and salmon??
This conversation is boring
Hello Tommy
“Angels flying out of ya arse” – What?
Don’t you hate it when you hate being rich
Rose decides shes had enough of life and attempts to kill herself
WOW! Not hiding that bluescreen now are we Cameron
Look! I know you’re trying to kill yourself but I want to introduce myself to you
Shout out to Wisconsin
So… Falling through ice is like being stabbed 1000 times in the dick with a knife
You’d think the wind alone would knock Rose off the ledge
Slip
FALL DAMMIT
HOORAY! I called it
Good thing Rose spoke out otherwise Jack would’ve been arrested for attempted rape
Right! Now you’ve saved my fiancee, let’s return to our brandy and call it a night
Cal then gives Rose a diamond necklace dubbed “The Heart of the Ocean”
Jack and Rose meet the next day and chat about… things and life
Wait…. The Titanic isn’t off to New York?!?
You leaving or what?
Jack really likes drawing naked women
Rose hates one legged prostitutes
Do I really have two more hours of this
Shit! It’s Molly! EVERYONE LEAVE!!!
So… We are off to New York
Jack, just admit you want to bang Rose
…Or teach her how to spit
Sorry! Think I swallowed a fly
Rose’s mom clearly hates the poor
Thanks for the clothes…. Can I have some cash?
“You shine like a new penny” – Huh?
Must… Act… Rich… Despite being… Poor
Just walk right past me why don’t you, Cal… Bastard
Was Nickelodeon around in the 1910’s?
I think Cal wants to bang Rose’s mom
She’s the same age as you? Bollocks
Who likes caviar?
“Life is a game of luck”
I said it once I’ll say it again, Rose’s mom hates poor people
Don’t talk with your mouth full
Er… Make what count?
Now lets see how the poor party
Just waiting for Dropkick Murphys or Flogging Molly to start playing
As soon as I type that, I started playing “Drunken Lullabies” by Flogging Molly – Fits perfectly
What? You never seen a girl like me drink and smoke
Typical rich man. Hiring a servant to do the dirty work and spy on me
You make a terrible husband.
How tight do you need to make that corset?
I KNEW IT!!! Rose’s mom hates the poor! She just admitted it
Turns out that she hates the poor and all men rich or poor
Shouldn’t you be sailing the ship rather than singing choirs
Ok, it turns out all rich people, except Rose, hate the poor
Just steal a top hat and coat and I already look rich
You just called me a picnic! How can I love you?
It’s gotten to that part of the film where it really starts to drag
JUST SINK ALREADY!!!
This conversation is so boring that I’m actually remembering thinks Jack talked to me about
Is this Celine Dion playing in the background?
Now I’m bored and waiting for the expected
Back to Old Rose
We’re 6 hours away from hitting the iceberg – That’s one hour in movie term
Good thing Jack knows about famous painters
“Draw me like one of your French girls”
Well.. We all know what scene is next
Feel free to Google Image this scene or see it on one of “those” websites
Now stay there for several hours
Sorry, too distracted helping my mom beat levels in Candy Crush
“It was the most erotic moment of my life” – Gross
Don’t steal the money in the safe
Sorry! I’m having fun! HAVE FUN YOU RICH BASTARD
Escape through the boiler room
I don’t know whose car this belongs to but… let’s make it steamy in the back seat
Someone can smell ice on the horizon
May I ask how did it get steamy in that car?
Don’t you hate it when you can’t tear a piece of paper
Fuck me! That was the last 20 minutes!
ICEBERG!!!!!
They’re heading straight for it
And it hit!
In fairness… Who didn’t see that coming
And now the captain pays attention to what just happened
Just follow the rats to safety
Fuck it! Let’s play football with the iceberg ruins
Meanwhile, Cal is too concerned about being robbed to notice the ship sinking
And they just planted Rose’s necklace in Jack’s coat (which isn’t his)
By the way, Titanic sinks in less than an hour
Just put out the distress call, dammit
Just leave the passengers inside the boat… because it’s cold?
Nice to see Rose being the only passenger on board who cares about sinking
4 hours for help! We’ll all be dead in 3
Clearly this captain has no idea what to do
Look, I know we’re sinking but the captain ordered us to play cheery music
Oh… By the way.. FUCK THE POOR!!! LET THEM DIE
WHO LIGHTS FIREWORKS ON A SINKING SHIP
Also, how did he get a gun on the ship
Fuck the lifeboat! Fuck being rich! I need Jack
So… Spitting in your soon to be husband’s face means that the wedding is off
Meanwhile, Jack is still arrested! Remember?
Start the drinking game! Take a shot everyone the name Jack or Rose is said
By the way, there’s an hour left so you’ll be on the floor within the next 5 minutes
How quickly did his nose bleed on that punch
Meanwhile, the captain still doesn’t know what to do
Practise swings? YOU’RE FUCKING SINKING
For the love of God, don’t hit my hands with that axe
“You’ll have to pay for that” – Who gives a fuck? The ship is sinking
Clearly the creator of the boat knows what he’s doing
Oh, hey Tommy… and Fabrizio
Fuck your fence
Jesus! You’re threatening to shoot people for trying to be safe
Just bribe your way onto a boat
Safe yourself.. or go back and get the wife? What would you do?
How can Jack trust Cal knowing he arrested him earlier
Do we really need villains at this part of the film?
Rose decides to return to deck after being placed in a lifeboat
FUCK!!! THERE’S 45 MINUTES LEFT!!!!
And Cal goes on a rampage with a gun just to kill Jack and Rose
Er… Should the boat be making these noises
There had to be one kid scared and left behind scared to death
Well… It was nice knowing that kid
I’ve dropped the keys! I ain’t helping anymore
Cal is a dick to kids
Fuck your money you rich bastard
You just shot Tommy!!! For no reason
Well… only one way to end this… Better shoot myself in the head
Cal then returns to save the girl so he can save himself
Oh, Hi Mr Andrews
Mr Guggenheim will die in style! Drinking brandy in his best suit
Meanwhile, Captain still has no idea what to do
Sad violin music is sad
EVERYONE!!! To the back of the ship… or jump off to survive
Oh… Hey Jack and Rose
And Fabrizio just got crushed by a pillar
Meanwhile, Cal is still a dick to the poor
END THE MOVIE
Meanwhile, a priest gives a serman… think that’s how you spell it… and what they are called
HALF A FUCKING HOUR LEFT!!!! FOR FUCK SAKE!!!
Oh… Hey Rose’s mom whose name I never knew
And now Titanic splits in half
Remember when you nearly jumped at the beginning… Well… We’d better do that now
Nice to see Mario taking time out from saving Peach from Bowser to be on Titanic
Jack and Rose eventually swin to a piece of wood
That piece of wood is clearly big enough for both of them
Hell! It’s big enough for 3 or 4 people
Now the boats have to take anyone and everyone
Save yourselves… or go back and get your husbands/lovers?
Well.. that answers that question
I’m assuming he’d dead
Think your not the only one writting letters of complaint to the company
Again, that piece of wood can fit 3 or 4 people!!!
“I’ll never let go” – LIES!!!
Right… now to find the living from the dead
Nice to see one member of the crew with come concerns
Thought Rose had fallen asleep while holding Jack’s hand
Er… I think Jack’s dead
Yep… Jack’s dead
Also, it must be real cold as ice has formed in Rose’s hair
SHE LET GO!!!! SHE IS FULL OF SHIT!!!!
Ok I know Jack was dead but still
Good thing that crew member had that whistle
Oh.. Hey Cal
Rose survived and so did Cal
Don’t let him see me
Nice to know Cal killed himself after his businesses went bust
Wait… When did Rose marry Jack? Or did she do that in his honour
All that and Brock never found that diamond necklace
Better recreate that moment
Wait… Old Rose had the necklace the entire time!!! In her possession
And she just throws it into the sea rather than give it to Brock
JUST END ALREADY!!!
So… Is this like a “in memory” moment in Rose’s dream/mind
THE END


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