The Bird with the Crystal Plumage #MovieReview

Film 262 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1970’s “The Bird With the Crystal Plumage”. Or as it’s known in Italian, “L’uccello dalle piume di cristallo”. Based on Fredric Brown’s novel “The Screaming Mini”, uncredited in the film, this Dario Argento giallo is about an American writer, Sam Dalmas (Tony Musante), living in Rome with his girlfriend, Julia (Suzy Kendall). While visiting an art gallery, Sam witnesses an unsuccessful murder attempt by a mysterious figure. As the assailant is believed to be an infamous serial killer, Sam quickly becomes a key witness in the ongoing police investigation. After he begins searching for clues that may help him identify the killer, Sam discovers that he may be the next intended victim. I’m not gonna lie, this film started off well but went so far off a cliff that I lost interest. Is it just me or is Tony Musante not that good of an actor? I couldn’t believe anything he did. Any time he had to say something, it sounded like a the male version of Siri for iPhone’s talking. Also, if I can figure out who the killer within the first 10 minutes then you’ve done something wrong in either the way you shot the scene or the way it was described on the script/by the director. Overall, this film wasn’t interesting to watch. I lost interest and switched it off after 40 minutes. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I managed to say while watching 1970’s “The Bird with the Crystal Plumage”. By the way, misleading title! There were no birds with crystal plumages. Hell, there wasn’t any crystals!

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Film – The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (L’uccello dalle piume di cristallo)
Year – 1970
Director – Dario Argento
Written by – Dario Argento
Based On – “The Screaming Mimi” by Fredric Brown
Staring – Tony Musante, Suzy Kendall, Enrico Maria Salerno
IMDb Rating – 7.2/10
My Rating – I Lost Interest
Length – 94 min (1h 34min)
Genre – Horror, Mystery, Romance

We open with typing
All that paper for one line of text
Cut to stalker cam
We find that the photos were taken by someone who likes knifes and leather
We then find Sam chatting with a man who likes stuffed birds
Who needs books when I have money?
Sam then sees a woman get stabbed in an art gallery
What art gallery has sliding glass doors?
Just jump through the glass
Just die already
Don’t you hate it when you can’t open a door
So… She isn’t dead yet
You are a terrible owner if you leave the building you own unlocked and unattended
Ah, so the girl was doing some accounting then got stabbed
They’ve found the killer’s glove soaked in blood
What was that? You had a flight home tonight? I don’t think so
Don’t you hate it when the police accuse people of crimes they didn’t commit?
Why do I get the feeling the art gallery owner is the killer?
Good thing that woman spoke otherwise I would have had my head chopped off
Who hangs a poster of Albert Einstein above their bed
Look… I know I nearly had my head chopped off, but… do you want sex?
It is the art gallery owner! That shot just then proved my case
“Bring out the perverts” – Sorry?
Turns out that the blood is from the girl he stabbed
And the killer loves cigars
And wears fabrics made in England
150,000 suspects?!?!
Nice to know Sam only wear the same clothes while on holiday – Bet he stinks
Meanwhile, at the horse races
Looks like the killer has found the next victim
Meanwhile, Sam and his wife look at everyone the killer has killed
What prostitute takes their clients under the bridge to perform “certain acts”?
Also, since when did Sam become a detective?
Don’t try and force me to buy these shitty antiques Mr Salesman
It’s racist to hate lesbians?!?
27 minutes in and I’m slighty confused and bored
Wait… Did they move into a new apartment?
Nice to know that the killer likes paintings of himself stabbing women in the… between the legs area
Remember that girl we saw at the races? No? Well… She’s dead now
The killer stabbed her between the legs
She wasn’t blonde! Stupid detective
Slowly losing interest in the plot
Thanks for giving me my passport back… I’ll be off back to America now
“I’ll make up some spectacular lie” – Bad idea detective
The killer just rang the detective and says he has until the end of the week
AND NOW I NO LONGER CARE
If anyone does want to know who the killer is…. It’s the couple who own the art gallery

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