Häxan #MovieReview

Film 237 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1922’s “Häxan”. Based partly on Benjamin Christensen’s study of the Malleus Maleficarum, a 15th-century German guide for inquisitors, this Benjamin Christensen Swedish/Danish horror documentary is a study of how superstition and the misunderstanding of diseases and mental illness could lead to the hysteria of the witch-hunts. From what I gathered from this film, all women are witches who seduce men by rubbing themselves in cat shit and “spreading them legs” while The Devil watches on while masturbating chocolate buttons. Apologies to anyone who got a really bad image of that in their heads. I was really confused while watching this. One minute the film is showing me images of witchcraft while listening to a really bored narrator before cutting to women giving The Devil a good ass kissing. I feel ill after typing that. Overall, it’s a film that was really hard to watch. Fun Fact of the Film – director Benjamin Christensen played the part of The Devil in the movie. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1922’s “Häxan”

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Film – Haxan
Year – 1922
Director – Benjamin Christensen
Written by – Benjamin Christensen
Staring – Benjamin Christensen, Elisabeth Christensen, Maren Pedersen
IMDb Rating – 7.7/10
My Rating – 2.5 /10
Length – 76 min (1h 16min)
Genre – Documentary, Horror

EDITOR NOTE – I am watching an English dubbed version of this film

“Lock them out forever more.”
We open with a monolauge
This music is too upbeat for this type of film
So… A disease looks like an man with an elephant head?!
So… The Egyptians thought the world was a movie set?!
Here we prove that the Earth is round
The Earth rotates because of Weeping Angels and demons
This narrator sounds so bored
Did I accidently put “Meet The Feebles” on?
All I saw was a drawing of a man dancing around a boot while a woman shot at it with a bow and arrow
Here’s three women stood over a naked woman
So… Women believe in witches?!
That drawing of a woman riding a broomstick looked… Well…
All the woman have to kiss The Devil’s ass
So tempted to play Death Metal songs to wake me up
Enough of the drawings… Here’s two men carrying sticks
Why do they refer to the sky as “Black Gallows”?
This violinist cannot play the violin
He just ripped the middle finger of that dead person’s hand
I can’t see what’s happening it’s that dark
I lie… I see a snake being shoved into a pot!
A nun arrives and prepares potions
“Made of a pigeon’s heart and cat shit. A drop poured in a man’s drink will soften his heart at once”
And she just drugged her husband while he carves through a whole pig
Look I know I just ate an entire pig and drank an entire jug of water but can I have a glass of brandy?
Case me through the wood, you fat bastard
And then… They had sex – We don’t see it (THANK FUCK)
Tip for women on how to get a man into your bed – Rub yourself in cat shit and spread them legs
Bring out your dead
Now I just want to sing Iron Maiden songs – Anyone heard their new album? I’m loving it so far
Time to experiment on this dead person
But first.. a prayer
Great… We’ve woken the wife up! Better silence her
I didn’t know Satan was a homeless woman
IT’S THE DEVIL!!!!
And there’s a naked woman hypnotised by the devil
And that old lady making potions has dead
This pleases the devil who masturbates over her dead corpse
I’m not joking! He’s jizzed so hard his sperm turned into money all over the bedroom
That’s not money! Those are Giant Dairy Milk Buttons
And now they’ve turned into M&Ms
Now I want chocolate
Scrap that las comment! They’ve just shown an half eaton peacock
I can’t tell if that old woman is tired or stoned
What is happening?
Here’s a drawing of four judges who have found a witch
Now for a segment on how to spot witches in The Middle Ages
That ladle just turned into a piece of coral
Still have no idea what’s happening
Just stuff your face with chocolate pudding, you witch (allegedly)
Hello Monk
Never understood why monks had to have giant bald patches
Swear at the cross of Christ and we’ll help
Meanwhile, they’ve caught a witch (allegedly)
She’s resisting! She’s a witch (allegedly)
Better use the “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine on her
Throw her into the chamber of horrors – Wonder if she’ll find Harry Potter
Still confused
Am I the only one who thinks the leader of the monks has had a little too much to drink?
“I confess that I have the children of Satan”
Did I just see a dragon exiting a woman’s…. You know where
There’s a bunch of witches flying as The Devil’s workers bang instruments
I did not know that The Devil had a massive penis – It’s almost at his knees
Is that a bride or a woman dressed in a KKK outfit?
Stomp on the cross and become one of us
That is clearly a doll they used for a baby
Now for all the woman to have sex with The Devil’s workers while The Devil masturbates
Kiss my ass, women!
“I saw her kiss The Devil’s ass passionatly” – I don’t want to know
How to cast magic – Sit at someone’s door and fart on the handle
Oh! The husband is still sick!
Fuck it! ALL WOMEN ARE WITCHES!!! KILL THEM ALL!!!
THE END

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