The Cabin in the Woods #MovieReview

Film 155 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 2012’s “The Cabin in the Woods.” This Drew Goddard horror film is about a group of college student spending their weekend at a seemingly deserted cabin in the forest. This is also Drew’s directorial début. Like many films in this list, this is the first time seeing this film and they were many parts where I was left scratching my head going “What the hell did I just see?” I never understood what the whole point of why they needed the bits with an evil corporation needing to plan this so they can… I won’t spoil it here. I’m assuming that they added that so we didn’t think that this was a remake of “Evil Dead”. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed this film, I just would have liked a little bit more plot about why they needed to do what they planned rather than leaving it until the last 10 minutes to explain everything. Even those last 10 minutes confused the hell out of me. All I got out of the film was that everything can be solved by smoking weed. This was my first look at Chris Hemsworth or as he’s better known, Thor! I thought he did a great job and I wouldn’t mind seeing him in again in something. Maybe I should watch Thor? If you have any recommendations for which Chris Hemsworth film I should watch then let me know. Also, if you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 2012’s “The Cabin in the Woods”.

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Film – The Cabin in the Woods
Year – 2012
Director – Drew Goddard
Written by – Joss Whedon, Drew Goddard
Staring – Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchinson
IMDb Rating – 7/10
My Rating – 7.25/10
Length – 86 min (1h 26min)
Genre – Horror, Mystery, Thriller
The-Cabin-In-The-Woods-new-poster
Not quite sure what to expect from this but I’m looking forward to it
I didn’t know blood was orange
Nothing like starting a horror movie with a chat by the coffee machine
“Everyone knows you can’t trust Swedes”
That was rude to ignore her by driving away
Meanwhile in someone’s house
Nice drawings
So… She was dating a professor and he dumped her by e-mail
Let’s bring economic books to a party
Everyone should read Gurovsky!
Marty arrives driving while smoking a bong
A bong that is also a coffee cup!?!
Don’t you hate it when you hear a song you know but you don’t know the name of it
Marty seems to know everything about life
So… These men are spying on these college students while at a abandoned cabin
A cabin with it’s own petrol/gas station?!?
This place doesn’t look shady at all
The owner of the gas station knows everything about this cabin
He also really likes chewing tobacco
Marty does not give too fucks
What are the chances that he’s a murderer?
CGI Eagle from out of nowhere just flew into an invisible wall
Again, this cabin doesn’t look friendly
I still don’t know anyone’s names apart from Marty
Why does Holden’s room have a creepy picture of men murdering goats
It covers a one way mirror to another room
At least Holden is nice enough to swap rooms with Dana
Now to watch Holden strip
Let’s put the picture back up before I see Holden nude
And let’s cover up that picture with a blanket
The gas owner works for these men in suits
Is there a reason why they are doing this or are they bored?
Time for a swim in the lake
“Don’t kill the gourgeous man! We’re endangored”
Are they taking bets?
This security guard seems to be the only one making any sense
So… This is “Battle Royale”?!?
Time for truth or dare
Marty dares Jules to make out with a wolf on the wall
Is she flirting with a wolf?
(INSERT DUMB BLONDE JOKE)
And Jules just made out with a wolf
How can the wind blow open a cellar door?
Jules dares Dana to see what’s in the cellar
I can’t see a thing
Is this a child’s bedroom in a cellar?
Here comes Holden to the rescue
Marty dares everyone to return upstairs but everyone ignores him
Dana finds someone’s diary
Isn’t it rude to read someone elses diary?
Where did Holden get glasses from?
Never read Latin!!!
This just turned into Night of the Living Dead
So… Maintenance won the bet
“Zombie Redneck Torture Family”?!?
There’s a ghost in Kyoto!!!
Back at the cabin and Jules is dancing
So… Jules is a slut?!?
You’s talk! Me and Jules are gonna have sex in the woods
Never blame weed for everyone’s mistakes
POP-TARTS!!!!!
“I’m gonna go read a book with pictures”
Holden seems to know Latin…. kind of
Boo!!! Jules is a heel! She refuses to show boob because it’s cold
That light wasn’t there before but lets have sex here
“You do understand what’s at stake?” – Not really no
And now we get boob
ZOMBIES!!!
Curt just got stabbed in the shoulder and Jules is being dragged away by a bear trap
JESUS!!! They just saw off Jules’s head
So… They’re using Jules’s blood to fuel something?!?
So… Getting high makes you hear voices?!
Does Marty think he’s Al Pacino?
Meanwhile, Dana and Holden are kissing by the fire
“He’s got a husband bulge”
Where are the stars when we need them?
May as well take a piss while I’m outside
Curt just clothesline a zombie
Hello! I’ve come to deliver Jules’s head
So… One dose of mist makes Curt change his mind
Marty, Dana & Holden are now all locked in their rooms
Marty’s found their camera
ZOMBIE!!!
I will kill you with a bong!
That didn’t work and Marty is dead! – Shame! I liked Marty
EARTHQUAKE!
Holden to the rescue to save Dana
Better hide in the cellar
And Holden’s been attacked
Dana just stabbed a zombie in the eye with a crowbar
Dana just turned into a bad ass
And we’re down to three
Back in Kyoto and the school girls have just burned a ghost and turned it into a frog
What the fuck did I just watch?
So… They’ve been failing everytime with all these experiments
Damn electrical glitches
And the three are now trapped due to a cave blockage
Let’s make Curt jump across on my dirt bike
“For Jules” – And Marty!!!
Curt just crashed into the invisible wall and he’s dead
So… is their blood fueling an ancient relic?
Where did Holden’s glasses go?
And Holden’s dead from being stabbed by a zombie
And only Dana is left
So… They haven’t killed Dana because she’s a virgin
Hooray for tequilla
Dana is being attacked and everyone is too busy celebrating to realise
Only the security guard knows this is wrong
Looks like someone upstairs isn’t happy about Dana being attacked
Body slam by the zombie onto Dana
MARTY’S ALIVE!!!!
That zombie just won’t die
Let’s hide in someone’s cellar hidden in a grave
Marty has found a hidden elevator
Did the get this elevator from Willy Wonka’s factory?
Where did that wolf come from?
A ghost skeleton?
Now Marty has found a child dressed as a ballerina
Erm… what’s with the face?
Are these all the other options that they could have had to deal with
Bye crazy lady!
These men want Marty dead first
So… Marty survived from all the weed
Damn power outage
Now Marty and Dana have entered the lab and are being attacked by everything
Is that the clown from Stephen King’s “It”
Death by unicorn
It’s a blood bath of gore
Now it’s Resident Evil
That’s the security guy dead
What the hell is that?
That’s one of the men dead
And she’s dead
Dana just killed the last of them
He last words were “Kill him” referring to Marty
I still don’t know what their intention was
So.. they were part of a ritual sacrifice
Who the fuck is she?
So… The ancient relics rise if they aren’t fed with blood
Dana! You backstabber!
So… She has to kill Marty in order to keep the relics happy
And Dana has been attacked by a wolfman
That one armed zombie is back!
Meanwhile Marty and this random woman are fighting
Fucking Hell! She just killed that woman with an axe to the head
And the one armed zombie has been sacrificed meaning Marty and Dana live
“I don’t even think Curt had a cousin”
Let’s celebrate with WEED!!!!
Let’s just watch everything crumble in front of us
Was that a giant hand?
THE END
We’re ending with Nine Inch Nails? I’m ok with that
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