Being John Malkovich #MovieReview

Film 151 in the “1001 Films to see before you die” challenge is 1999’s “Being John Malkovich. This Spike Lee comedy drama is about a puppeteer who finds a portal into the mind of John Malkovich. I think  the word “clusterfuck” was invented for this film. Good God I got so confused. I feel like Spike Jonze has played with my head and is controlling me. I now have a massive headache because of this film. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great film but be prepared to have your mind messed with. The only thing that really bugged me about the movie were the female leads. I couldn’t get into them at all. Probably because I have never seen Catherine Kenner act before seeing this film and I’ve never really been a fan of Cameron Diaz’s work. Was it a bad casting choice? I don’t know. It was nice to see a Charlie Sheen cameo as I did not expect that to happen. Even the one second glimpse of Brad Pitt was unexpected. That one was a “Blink and You’ll Miss It” moment. This is my first Spike Jonze movie and I’m looking forward to seeing more films by him in the challenge. In 2008, writer Charlie Kaufman had this to say about the film, “I wrote Being John Malkovich before I even knew who Spike Jonze was. He just happened to be the person who could get it made and wanted to make it”. Fun Fact of the Film – John Malkovich initially offered to direct the film if Charlie Kaufman made someone else its subject. Kaufman refused. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1999’s “Being John Malkovich”

Film – Being John Malkovich
Year – 1999
Director – Spike Jonze
Written by – Charlie Kaufman
Staring – John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Keener
IMDb Rating – 7.8/10
My Rating – 7.95/10
Length – 102 min (1h 42min)
Genre – Comedy, Drama
Am I at a school play?
Am I watching Team America?
This puppet is scared of his own reflection that he destroys his house
Now my house is destroyed…. Time to dance
All Craig wants is a job!
Parrots and chimps as pets?!?
A 60ft statue!
Better try and make some money on the streets with my puppets
This kid is just as confused about this puppet show as I am
So… The female puppet is humping the wall while the male puppet is riding an invisible pole
“A man with fast hands”
I don’t know why but Craig looks like YouTube’s WheezyWaiter
Floor 7 1/2???
Who builds an office this small?
Worst receptionist ever!
Time for the interview to commence
Get me a Guinness! You want Genghis Khan?
Craig has got the job!!! And is already starting
Time to learn about floor 7 1/2
So… the roof is small because of a small person wanted a job in the early 1900’s
She wanted a job and now she’s getting married?!?
So… that story was a complete lie?
Why would you keep every animal as a pet?
Time to ask “The Baby” question?
So… she thinks Craig wants to sleep with her
Did Floris say she wants to be fingered?
If you want to live past 100…. Drink carrot juice!
The manager wants to shag Floris?!?
Time for a game of “Guess the game”
That’s more than three guesses
Time to hear about the manager’s sexual desires
Time for Craig to have drinks with Maxine
And that ended quicker than it started
Do they keep monkeys in the fridge guarding beers?
Is that a puppet version of his wife?
Time to have a puppet date with puppet Craig and puppet Maxine
“Would you like to be inside my skin?” – Ew
Now to explain this to the actual Maxine
Don’t you hate it when you drop something behind the filing cabinet
Why is there a small door hidden behind the filing cabinet?
Now this film thinks its The Shawshank Redemption
So… Craig is now John Malkovich
John is reading the paper and having breakfast
Now to ride in a taxi with someone who has no idea about my work
Craig somehow is out of John’s head and on the New Jersey Turnpike
“Who the fuck is John Malkovich?”
Craig thinks he’s left a piece of wood in John’s head
Maxine proposes the idea to sell tickets to John’s head
Now to explain this to my wife
It’s been 35 minutes and I have no idea what Craig’s wife’s name is
She decides to enter the portal into John’s mind
This time John is taking a shower
36 minutes and Craig’s wife is called Lotte
Enough of playing with John’s head, time for dinner with the manager
I know he said “fifth door on the left” but I may as well open all of them
So… The manager has a room dedicated to John Malkovich
John Malkovich is a vagina?
Lotte decides to meet Maxine so she can enter John’s mind
Lotte thinks that since her experience in John’s head that she is a transexual
Back with John who is recording his lines from a book
Everyone keeps bringing up the jewel thief movie
John decides to meet a random caller for dinner
The waiter says he liked it when John played a retard
Maxine is the random caller!!!!!
And Lotte is in John’s head!
Lotte suggests bringing Maxine to dinner
We’ll cool tensions with lasagna & a joint
Time to interview random people to enter John’s head
$200 to enter John’s head!
This man finds John calling about towels while eating Chinese Take-Away
Time for dinner
Eskimos have 49 words for snow?
What should I do more? See some puppets or see a ill chimp?
Don’t mind me wandering around your house?
Now for everyone to smoke a joint
Maxine tells us she could see Lotte in John’s head
No sex for Lotte unless she’s in John’s head
So…. Maxine and Lotte are in a relationship through John Malkovich?!?!
No sex yet! I arrived early
I’m curious as to know if this is John’s actual apartment
Now it’s time for sex
Rule #1 when having sex – Never yell out the wrong name in bed
And Craig now hates his life
So…. Did Maxine have a threesome with John and Lotte?
Fuck this! Time to run home to my wife
Craig is threatening to shoot Lotte!!!
Craig is forcing Lotte to bring Maxine home
Now he’s thrown Lotte in the cage with the chimp wrapped in tape
Meanwhile John is rehearsing
Well… He was until Maxine arrives
Wait! Craig is now controlling John’s mind
If I can’t get pleasure through John then I may as well kiss the chimp
Charlie Sheen???? Why is he John’s psychiotrist?
Charlie really likes lesbians!
Time for John to stalk Maxine with his baseball cap
John followed her to the portal!!
John wants to know what’s going on
So… John’s about to enter his own mind?!?
“What happens when a man goes through his own portal?”
So… John is… EVERYONE!!!!!
Everything is Malkovich!!!
This is both funny and a mind fuck
John demands Craig closes the portal and threatens to sue
How long has Lotte been in that cage?
Time for the chimp to come to the rescue while Craig is in John’s mind again
Before that… time for a chimp to have a flashback
Lotte tells Maxine everything
This just got confusing
Maxine to controlling Craig who is inside John controlling him
Meanwhile, Lotte is walking in the rain to meet Craig’s manager
They have a chat about John Malkovich and all the f-ed up things that have happened
Drinking game – have a shot someone says “John Malkovich”
The manager says he is Captain Merten and begins to talk about the portal
Meanwhile, John/Craig and Maxine have a chat after sex
Time to learn about The Ripe Vessel
Time for a puppet show with John/Craig
He’s recreating the opening scene but with John
I’m assuming Craig is trapped inside John’s mind as it’s been more than 15 minutes
All I heard was a woman saying “I want a penis”
Captain Merten offers Lotte a place in John Malkovich
151 films for the word “Cunt” to be said
Wait… Maxine and John are getting married!?!?!?!?!
Let’s all have chicken soup
John says he’s no longer an actor! He’s a puppetter
“Eight months later”
Craig is still in John’s head
Maxine is pregnant
John is now a successful puppetter
Lotte now lives with Captain Merten
Was that Andy Dick in the audience?
Sean Penn!!!
Christopher Bing! Are you the man behind
Nice to know that Lotte brought the chimp with her
Was that a glimpse of Brad Pitt?
Why does Maxine have the Lotte puppet?
At a premiere for a puppet show John enters through the back door
Nice to know Maxine is having a girl
A standing ovation for John’s show
Lets celebrate with cake!!!!
Captain Merten has Maxine!!!
He demands Craig leaves John’s mind
He wants Craig to leave so he and everyone else can get in
Lotte tried to shoot Maxine
Both of them enter the portal
Now we’re in John’s subconsious
Don’t mind John sniffing someone’s underwear
Escape through the cat flap
I can’t hear them over the rain
Wait! The baby belongs to Lotte!
So… Wait… What?!?
So…. Lotte and Maxine are now parents?!?
Meanwhile, John/Craig is drinking at a biker bar
He starts a bar fight saying he isn’t John Malkovich
Craig has left John’s mind and everyone else enters
Craig reunites with his piece of wood
John was back to normal but is back under control of everyone else
Both Maxine and Lotte have left Craig behind
“Seven Years Later”
Charlie Sheen has a really bad comb-over
And John Malkovich is tanned and married to Floris
John shows Charlie his room dedicated to his daughter Emily
Craig is in Emily’s head!!!

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