Elephant #MovieReview

Film 139 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 2003’s “Elephant”. This Gus Van Sant film and staring no one you’ve heard of, this film is based on the 1999 Columbine High School Massacre which saw a total of 12 students and one teacher die and a further 21 injured. Spoiler alert – They are no elephants in this film. Also, this film a really, really dull and boring. You spend the first hour watching people walk around a school then the last 17 minutes watching the shooting take place. Even that was boring to watch. Then the film ends with a random shot of the sky. I’m trying to think of something that happened in the film but quite honestly I can’t think of anything. So if you want to watch people walk around a school for an hour then this film is for you. I know that I have two more Gus Van Sant films to watch in this list, “Drugstore Cowboy” and “My Own Private Idaho” so maybe those films will be better than this. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 2003’s “Elephant”

Film – Elephant
Year – 2003
Director – Gus Van Sant
Written by – Gus Van Sant
Based On – Columbine High School Massacre
Staring – Elias McConnell, Alex Frost, Eric Deulen
IMDb Rating – 7.2/10
My Rating – DULL
Length – 77 min (1h 17min)
Genre – Crime, Drama, Thriller
We open with a shot of a telephone pole while someone plays basketball in the background
Someone can’t drive
“John”
Go home Dad, you’re drunk
This guy looks like Keanu Reeves with blonde hair
Shall we go hunting on the weekend?
“Elias”
Hi, I’m a stalker! Can I take your photo?
Look happy you miserable fuckers
We could have cut to a new scene a lot sooner than that
Back with John who’s arrived at school… late
Time for some American Football… with no pads
Does this film have a plot?
Some guy wearing a lifeguard hoodie is off for a walk
Is something suppose to happen?
We’re still following this guy as he walks through the school
Update – I just saw a poster that tells us that we’re in Oregon
We followed him for 5 minutes just so he can say hi to his girlfriend
“Nathan & Carrie”
Meanwhile, John got told off for being late by getting stared at by the head master
Time for John to have a meltdown
Some random hippie just kissed him
“Acadia”
Time for class about how to identify gay people
So… all gays have “dyed pink hair” and “rainbow necklaces and bracelets”
Question of the film – Are rams gay?
Back with the couple
I wish I knew what everyone was saying but I guess the sound guy’s microphone must have been broken throughout the film
Back to Elias who’s now in school and meets with John
Now to follow John somewhere
Why did they slow down the footage of the dog jumping
Two students arrive carrying bags and dressed in combat clothes
“Eric and Alex”
Time to bully the nerd by throwing wet tissue paper at him
23 minutes in and I’m bored
Just gonna write down what you’re eating today. You’ll find that your food is worth 4 Weight Watchers points
Someone can hear voices in his head! – Where’s Randy Orton when you need him
Back with Elias who’s off to develop his photos
I bet I can out walk you!
You can’t come in here! I’m masterbating over the photos I took
“Michelle”
We meet Michelle who gets told off for not wearing shorts
Time to watch Michelle walking… somewhere
Back with Elias who has finished doing whatever he was doing in a dark locked room
Does he have a bracelet made out of a fork?
Time to watch Elias develop these photos
In the girls showers at gym
I feel like a Peeping Tom… And I’m not enjoying it
All I heard out of their background conversation was “Granny Panties”
Back with the nerd who returns home to have some milk
Who is this and why should I care?
Oh… Elias is back! And he’s looking at his photos
While my photos dry, I’m off for a walk
And John’s back!
Wait! It’s the exact same scene we say earlier just the other way around
There’s a lot of walking in this film
Time to visit the library where Michelle is stacking books
Back to the three girls we say earlier
So… All girls slap their boyfriends for smiling at them?!?
Time for lunch
Don’t you hate it when you can’t find anything you like for lunch?
Don’t mind us having a cigarette break in the boiler room
20 grams of fat in a salad!!!
Oh stop arguing! You three can go shopping another day
What a waste of food
Who is she and why should I care?
Back to the three girls who are now talking about driving licenses
In the women’s bathroom
The three girls start puking into toilets!
Back with the nerd who’s playing the piano
Someone has a messy bedroom
It’s Eminem! If Eminem removed all his tattoos and became an anorexic
Time to play a PC Video Game Shooter
Now to go online and buy some guns
Random cutaway to a shot of the sky
Now to watch people sleep…. IN SLOW MOTION!!!!
Here’s your pancakes! What no syrup?
Time to watch a film about Nazis and Adolf Hitler
Here comes the mail! And these two have got they’re weapons
For a company that ships guns you would think they would package it better
Better practise our gun skills in the garage by shooting at some wood
Back with Michelle who’s walking
Time to see the same scene with John & Elias for the third time but from Michelle’s point of view
Now Michelle is running! TO THE LIBRARY!!
Back with the nerd who’s having a shower
Better shower together to save water!
They decide to share a kiss in the shower before getting ready
And now the film gets interesting! Only took an hour
“Most importanly have fun”
Time to watch our criminals drive to school
John seems to be the only smart person who starts telling everyone to not enter the school
And John’s dad has disappeared!
Time for Plan B!
Michelle’s dead!
And everyone else in the library is dead!
Back to the meeting about gays and someone dies
I know everyone’s panicing right now but I want to walk
“Benny” – Do we really need to start meeting new characters as the film is almost over?
That guys wearing camo but I can clearly see him
John finds his dad and they chat about what’s happening
Meanwhile Benny is still walking
And that’s Benny dead
Thats the head teacher dead
The couple from earlier are still alive and are on the run
Someone fix the focus on the camera!
May as well have a break from killing everyone in the canteen
He just killed his mate!!!!
The couple end up dying in the meat freezer
Back to the sky
THE END
That was a dull ending to a dull movie
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