The Bigamist #MovieReview

Film 98 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1953’s “The Bigamist”. There’s no better way to explain this but as a long, boring pile of crap. Good God I was bored. It doesn’t help that the acting and the dialogue is so bad that it’s not even laughable. Everyone comes across as wooden. I finished this film thinking that everyone is a massive asshole. Harry because he’s been secretly cheating on his wife for another woman and even having that other woman’s child. How I managed to watch all 78 minutes of this film is an achievement on it’s own. The dialogue was so bad that I had to put Slipknot on so I could keep myself awake. If I did get anything from the film, it would be that loneliness isn’t fun. Loneliness leads to people being ill according to this film. Besides from that, I’m sitting here trying to think of what else to talk about in this film but honestly, I can’t remember anything about it. It was there. This was a plate of nothingness with a side order of dullness. This would be the last feature film directed by Ida Lupino for more than 12 years until 1966’s “The Trouble with Angels” which has a 7.4/10 rating on IMDb and is about two rebel student in a school run by nuns. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I have to say while watching 1953’s “The Bigamist”

Film – The Bigamist
Year – 1953
Director – Ida Lupino
Staring – Joan Fontaine, Ida Lupino, Edmund Gwenn
IMDb Rating – 6.7/10
My Rating – 2/10
Length – 79 min (1h19min)
Genre – Drama
It’s San Francisco
My private life?!?
We’ve adopted a baby! Hooray!
Why did I let the maid clean my office during my recording
Why does he have to record everything he got from the interview?
Time to wake up my husband with a toy soldier
“You’ll learn to love being woken up by a football in the stomach”
KISS ME BITCH
Time for a house inspection to see if this house is fit for a baby
You live in San Franciso but work in Los Angeles
He drank that milk quickly
Who has swinging doors for kitchen doors
Time for me to head to work
Is it a requirement for everyone to wear a suit?
Has he really been sat at Harry’s desk waiting for him all day?
He’s tracked Harry to his other home in Los Angeles to find Harry
Harrison sounds too formal!?!
Forgot to mention, I have a baby!
And I also have another wife!
This has been going on for 8 months
Harry says he did this because he got too lonely in hotel rooms
I think he said phone sex didn’t help his loneliness
Even my walk makes me lonely
Time for me to take a bus tour around Beverly Hills
I’ll light up a cigarette and go back to sleep
I even sleep with the cigarette in my hand
Shout out to Miracle on 34th Street
This seems like a pretty boring tour
Also, this is the longest and worst ways to pick up a date
This dialogue is rather boring
Tour’s over! Now bugger off
Don’t you hate it when the drinking tap in the park is broken
Fancy some Water Chestnuts in a Chinese Restraunt
This restraunt looks a little empty! Blame it on the fact that it’s Sunday
Good thing I have this jukebox to keep me company
Wait! You work as a waitress here!
“They’ve never heard of Chop Suey in China” – Really?
Only chop suey I know is by System of a Down
This dialogue is still boring
Why did my room have to be next to the neon light sign
Nice of Harry to ring his San Francisco Wife that he’s found another woman
It’s taken me 33 minutes for me to find out that San Francisco Wife is called Eve
Who invited my lawyer to dinner?
Good God I’m bored
“Give me brandy” – I wish I had some
Fancy a game of poker?
They did all this so they can be in Forbes
If they’re married, why do they have seperate beds
Time for me and Los Angeles Wife to share fortune cookies at her work
Lets have a dance and a drink now you’ve finished work for the day
It’s Harry’s birthday tomorrow!
KISS ME BITCH
It’s also taken me 40 minutes for me to find out that Los Angeles Wife is called Phyllis
My headaches gone now you’re here
I bought up some aftershave as a birthday present
I don’t think their lips are actually touching when they kiss
Let’s have dinner at Acapulco
This piano player is putting me to sleep
That is clearly stock footage of a plane flying
Back to my actual wife, Eve
She’s leaving because her dad had a heart attack in Miami
I also bought you a pearl bracelet as a gift
This films so boring
Are they doing a tribute to Casablanca in this scene?
And back to reality
Basically, Harry started seeing Phyllis because she spent time looking after her dad
What a bastard!!!
And back to the flashback
Wait! Phyllis doesn’t work at the restraunt anymore
Phyllis is ill and doesn’t want any help
So… Phyllis is ill because she’s lonely!?!
Back to San Francisco where Eve rings Harry to tell her that her dad has died
Why did I decide to walk up this steep hill?
Back to LA where Harry asks Phyllis to marry him
She says yes and then fell asleep straight away
Back to San Francisco where Eve and Harry have a chat
Pocket watches make you look more like a man?!?
It’s taken me one hour for me to know that the adoption baby doctor is called Mr Jordan
Eve says she has turned the spare room into a kids room
Now they’ve decided to push the beds together
Back to LA to find out that Phyllis has given birth to a baby boy
This film is still boring
Back to San Francisco where Eve says that today is their 8 year anniversary
Who the hell are you asking for a lift?
And why is he stalking them?
Back to Los Angeles
You named your baby Danny? That’s my name!!!
Phyllis has found out through the stalker’s mom that Harry is seeing Eve
Better try and explain myself to Phyllis
Harry says he’ll file for divorce papers and leaves her
She says no because she wants to give their marriage a second chance
That actually worked!? WTF?!?
Back to reality
Mr Jordan leaves saying he isn’t a policeman and still can’t understand Harry’s reasoning for everything
Better escape before Phyllis finds out
Before I leave, I’m gonna write a letter
Back in San Francisco
Harry walks out on his marriage with Eve
Eve gets a phone call from someone who tells her everything thats happened – Wish someone did that for me
Why are we in court?
Harry admits he’s guilty for marrying both Eve & Phyllis
The judge says Harry must remain married to both women and have his son in his will
Better pose for the newspaper photographer before I leave
Eve watches on as Harry is arrested
THE END
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