A Christmas Story #MovieReview

Film 94 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” is 1983’s “A Christmas Story”. This is the only Christmas film to make the list (I think) is based of the book with the same name. And, in my opinion, this film shouldn’t have made the list. This is listed as a comedy. At no point did I laugh throughout this film. Santa Claus is apparently “Bad Santa” in real life (remember that film), if you’re Chinese you are mocked for not knowing Christmas songs, shooting guns is better than the NFL (American football) and this film has also made me hate food. Don’t ask me why, it just has. Everyone came across as people you shouldn’t like. I didn’t like Ralphie because he came across as someone who’s always smug/Mr Burns from The Simpsons, the parents are useless, Randy is just there and everyone else you forget about. Even the bully, Scott, comes across as someone you hate. But at least he and his little buddy are meant to be hated for being bullies. That and I can’t take Scott seriously as he looks like Sid from Toy Story. While I’m on the topic of lookalikes, Ralphie looks like a shrunken Drew Carey. I mentioned that this shouldn’t make the list, but when I think about it, what other Christmas films should have made the list? Films such as 1990’s “Home Alone”, 2003’s “Elf”, 1992’s “The Muppets Christmas Carol”, 1988’s “Scrooged”, 1984’s “Gremlins”, 1984’s “Silent Night, Deadly Night”, 2004’s “The Polar Express” and since I mentioned it earlier, 2003’s “Bad Santa” all didn’t make the list! Should they have made the list? What Christmas films do you like to watch during the holidays? If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1983’s “A Christmas Story”

Film – A Christmas Story
Year – 1983
Director – Bob Clark
Staring – Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin
IMDb Rating – 8.1/10
My Rating – 3/10
Length – 93 min (1h 33min)
Genre – Comedy, Family
Nothing says Christmas film like snow and Christmas music
Why are none of those kids having a snowball fight?
Was Santa selling TVs on the street corner?
I want that, and that, and that, and that as well
“The Holy Grail of presents – The Red Ryder BB Gun”
Ralphie looks like a young Drew Carey
Isn’t he a little too young to be reading “Look Magazine”?
How can you swallow a yo-yo?
Breakfast today is scrambled eggs, toast and bacon
You are too smart for your age!
You want a what?!?
“You’ll shoot your eye out” – A classic mom block
Randy has now made me no longer want porridge
Why is Ralphie dressed as a cowboy?
Why is the family hiding under the kitchen table from two robbers?
Make it six!
Did he just die from being shot in the ass
That guys death was so gruesome they never showed it
Stop spitting!
Oldsmobile? Do they still make those?
Looks like The Borrowers are in the air vents
How thick is that onesie?
Pretty sure Randy doesn’t need to be in all those layers of clothing
So… licking light bulbs in the snow makes your tongue get stuck?
Randy’s overacting a little too much
Why do all the kids have false teeth?
What about Silas Marner? Carry on! Don’t cut away!
Double Dog Dare You!!!!
Triple Dog Dare!!!!
All this to lick a frozen lamppost
And now he’s stuck
The bell rang! So let’s just leave him
And he’s still stuck
How many fireman and police officers do you need to unstick a child from a lamppost?
Why didn’t anyone get some hot water?
You’re homework – “What I Want For Christmas?”
Why does Flick still have ice on his tongue?
Scott Farkus! He looks like Sid from Toy Story
He even has braces like Sid
Also, why does Scott have a squirrel for a hat?
“Football’s are terrible Christmas presents”
Why does an 8 year old need a globe on his desk?
Shout out to Western Union
Dad just trapped that dog’s tail in the door
Dad’s just won his own bowling alley for the house
“Not eaten voluntary in three years”
“I hate meatloaf” – The food or the singer?
Once again, Randy has no longer made me hungry for food
Someone answer the bloody door!
Do people still send parcels in wooden crates?
They sent him a plastic leg!
It’s a lamp with a woman’s leg for a lamp leg
And that’s why you should never plug in too many plugs in one plug socket
Wait! The lamp is an award!
It’s time for our favourite radio show! Orphan Annie!
I don’t get what’s happening
So… teachers are turned on by A+ writing
Stop daydreaming and sit down
If the kids don’t want to be scared by Scott then why don’t they stop taking the alley
Time to go shopping for a Christmas tree
Now would be a great time for Dad to turn the radio on
A flat tire!!!
“The Queen Mother of words – F—“
Is he really thinking he’s getting killed for swearing?
As punishment, here’s a bar of soap in the mouth
Just blame Schwartz for everything!
Who’s Schwartz?
How loud is Schwartz’s mother down the phone?
May as well try the soap myself to see what it’s like
Time to make fun of blind people
I bring you a basket of fruit… just because
Is Ralphie trying to flirt with the teacher?
So… Ralphie was waiting for a letter from the Orphan Annie show
You can tell it’s an important message when the presenter has an excitied voice
The message is “Be Sure to Drink Your Ovaltine?”
You’d think they you have bought a new boiler if it keeps breaking
Mom’s destroyed Dad’s lamp!!!!
Better repair the lamp
Where is that train noise coming from?
They’re no where near any form of train station/tracks?
That didn’t work! Better bury it in the back garden
Time to get our results back
Ralphie got a C+
“You’ll shoot your eye out” strikes again
One hour into the film for our first snowball to be thrown
What the fuck?!! Ralphie’s attacking Scott and his cronie
Scott’s bleeding from the nose! And he’s even crying
Ralphie’s pretty much saying every swear word you can think of
Why is Randy upset?
He’s upset that Dad’s gonna kill Ralphie for beating up Scott
When in doubt, have some milk! That’ll make everything better
Let’s not talk about the fight! Let’s talk about the Chicago Bears vs Green Bay Packers
When in doubt, ask Santa for Christmas gifts if you’re parents say no
Why is Mickey Mouse being attacked by the cast of The Wizard of Oz?
Santa’s Grotto is on top of a slide!
Well… that line’s longer than we thought!
“The line went all the way to Terra Haute, Indiana” – Pretty sure it didn’t
Randy got to see Santa and all he does is scream
Santa’s elf seems a little unfriendly
And Ralphie got to see Santa
“What’s a football?”
You want a what?
“You’ll shoot your eye out” strikes again!!!
And once again, the fuse has gone again
IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Ties, Baseball Bats, Zeppelins and Pink Rabbit Suit
Dad got a bowling ball
“He looks like a pink nightmare”
Randy passed out from opening Christmas presents
Wait… there’s one present left that’s hiding behind the desk
It’s the BB Gun Ralphie wanted!!!!
Like father, like son
“Everyone living in the Midwest is a ‘turkey junkie'”
Ralphie only went and shot himself in the eye
Well, his glasses!
And now he’s broken his glasses by stepping on them
Let’s blame a icicle for everything
Meanwhile, Randy’s still asleep
Dad’s stealing the turkey
Who let the dogs out?
They’re stealing the turkey!!!!
We’re having Christmas Dinner at the bowling alley which also has a Chinese Takeaway
They don’t know the lyrics to “Heck the Halls” and “Jingle Bells”
We’re having duck instead of turkey
Or as it’s called in this film, “Chinese Turkey”
And Ralphie can sleep happy with his gun in his bed
THE END
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