The Good, The Bad and The Ugly #MovieReview

Film 81 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1966’s “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”. Or as it’s known in Italian, “Il Buono, Il Brutto, Il Cattivo”. This is listed as a spaghetti western but at no point was there any spaghetti!!! I should knock marks off for that but I won’t. This film was very fun to watch. My first look at Clint Eastwood before he decided to talk to empty chairs at American Election Parties. And this won’t be my last look at him as I’ll be seeing him again in 1971’s “Dirty Harry” and the film he directed in 1992, “Unforgiven”. Toward the end of the film, I was wondering if the names “Good, Bad & Ugly” had changed. I’m only saying this because it feels like Tuco becomes Good because he got what he wanted, Blonde became Bad for leaving his friend hanging by a noose looking at his prize as he leaves and Angel Eyes became Ugly because he died (SPOILERS). Anyone else notice that or was that just me? I did feel that the film dragged a tiny bit but not so much that I got distracted. The book has a quote from the film that Tuco, played by Eli Wallach, says, “If you miss you had better miss very well. Whoever double-crosses me and leaves me alive, he understands nothing about Tuco. Nothing!” Speaking of Eli, he has the most screen time in this film but Clint Eastwood got top billing. This film is currently ranked at number 47 in Empire Magazine’s “301 Greatest Movies Of All Time” as of 2014, voted by the magazine readers. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1966’s “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”. Now excuse me while I play the theme song very loudly

Film – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Year – 1966
Director – Sergio Leone
Staring – Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach, Lee Van Cleef
IMDb Rating – 9/10
My Rating – 9/10
Length – 156 min (2h 36min)
Genre – Western
If no one knows this theme song then there’s something wrong with you!!!
You’re a little too close to the camera, sir! Please step back a little bit
I feel like I’m playing Red Dead Redemption
Are we about to have a stand-off?
It’s The Ugly,  better known as Tuco! And he’s just robbed a bar
You had to interrupt dinner! Didn’t you?
Fancy some soup with cauliflower and peppers in it?
In the west, everyone eats with wooden spoons
10 minutes 13 seconds for someone to say something
Who’s Jackson?
And who’s Baker?
And who are these two?
$500 to kill Jackson, if that is his real name!
Jackson goes under the name of Bill Carson
Here’s $1000 to make you leave
Well… he’s dead
And so’s his son!
Also, why would the son keep a shotgun with him?
The man goes to see someone in bed
Who hides wage slips under there pillows?
The man, Angel Eyes or The Bad, just killed that man by smothering him and shooting him through the pillow
And now The Good… Blonde or The Man With No Name
Wasn’t “The Man With No Name” one of many gimmicks Brutus Beefcake had as a wrestler?
This criminal just told Blonde to catch rabies
And then wishes that his mother end up in a whorehouse
So.. You can light up a match with the bottom of your boot?
In this town, we hang all criminals
How many crimes?
And how long’s his name?
The man in question is being hung is Tuco!
Blonde’s only gone and freed him
So… Blonde and Tuco are mates
Now you can light matches with rocks and boulders
Blonde’s cigars look a little small
Tuco’s been caught again!
Shorty has no legs!!!
He tells Angel Eyes news about Bill Carson
Carson’s living in Santa Ana with Maria
Angel Eyes has spotted Blonde watching on
Blonde’s good at shooting people’s hats off…. but no actual headshots
Blonde leaves Tuco 70 miles from the nearest town still tied up
Is it safe to ride a horse drunk?
We find Maria at her home
Angel Eyes is there instead
Answer or get slapped
Now Carson’s in Santa Fe!
Angel Eyes is on the move!
Back with Tuco who’s cut himself from his bonds
He actually walked the 70 miles back to town! And in one night! Impressive!
Tuco’s found himself a gun shop
Fuck your revolvers!
Time to customise my gun
Tuco gets 6 out of 6 targets (with a bit of liquid courage)
I’ll be taking your gun, ammo hat, and money
So… this is taking place during the civil war
Tuco’s got himself a gang now
Back with Blonde who’s cleaning his gun
I have the feeling that it’s about to kick off
Never understood why cowboy boots have those wheels on the backs of them
That’s all of Tuco’s men killed
Tuco’s came in through the window
Who’s shooting those cannons?
Why does Tuco still have that noose?
Tuco’s trying to kill Blonde
But is stopped by a cannonball
Blonde’s escaped!!!
This theme song’s gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the day
Tuco’s on the hunt and finds a cigar in a bonfire
Follow the burned bonfire – It’s kinda like following the Yellow Brick Road but with less results
May as well finish these cigars off
Tuco’s found Blonde watching over Shorty’s trial
And now the tables have turned
No drink for you!
And no hat for you!
“If you save your breath, you will manage it”
Tuco’s making Blonde walk 100 miles through the desert
Blonde has somehow lost his coat
This scene is making me thirsty
He’s only done 30 miles and Blonde’s collapsing
Tuco is a bit of a dick
In fairness, Blonde did leave him in the middle of the desert
Just before Tuco can kill Blonde, here comes someone
It’s a runaway horse and carriage
A carriage full of dead people
I guess I’ll be having all your things now your dead
One of the men is still alive
It’s Bill Carson!!!
He tells Tuco that there’s 200,000 in gold hidden in a Sad Hill cemetary
Bill Carson is dead!
Blonde’s face is very flaky
Tuco takes Blonde to a hospital run by monks/priests
Why does Tuco have an eye patch?
And why is he and Blonde wearing Yankee outfits?
Don’t mind if I drink all this whisky in here?
Well… Blonde’s still alive!!!
But his face is badly battered
“In my place, you would do the same thing” – Didn’t he do that to you earlier?
Can someone kill that bloody fly?
Tuco meets with Father Ramirez or Pablo as Tuco calls him?
Wait! Tuco and Pablo are brothers!
Tuco gets news that his mom and dad are both dead! Mum dies years ago and dad dies days ago
Time for a brotherly slap fight with Blonde watching on
Nice to see Blonde’s doing better
“I know there a brother out there who will always offer a bowl of soup”
“After a meal, there’s nothing like a good cigar”
Onward to Sad Hill!
I wonder what Angel Eyes is up to
Here comes the troops
There not grey! There’s blue!!!
Into Yankee prison with you
This is listed as a spaghetti western! I have seen no spaghetti
What’s Jonathan Ross doing in this film?
There’s Angel Eyes!
Tuco’s just said he’s Bill Carson
Did Tuco say he likes big men?
Angel Eyes is on the blue side!
This chief is briding Angel Eyes to treat prisoners better
He also has Gangrene in his leg
They’ve taken all of Tuco’s belongings
Better exit through the window
Tuco and Angel Eyes have a chat over food
That’s the loudest stomach rumbling I’ve ever heard
Fancy a bowl of brandy?
You’d better get use to that trumpet playing
Music is good for digestion?!?
Have some of Bill’s tobacco!!
IT’S A TRAP!!!!
Looks like Angel Eyes wants the 200,000 in gold as well
The deadly thumbs in the eyes makes Tuco talk
Better bring Blonde to the fix
Angel Eyes tells Blonde to ride with him now to Sad Hill
Meanwhile, Tuco’s heading for the train handcuffed to Wallace
That’s the first train I’ve seen with a cannon on the back of it
Everyone’s asleep except for Tuco
Stop watching me pee off the train
Tuco has killed Wallace with a boulder to the back of the head
Better use the next train to cut my chain
That actualy worked!
Where’s Wallace gone?
There he is… dead!
And that’s how you shoot someone who decides to switch teams
How the hell did Tuco find everyone else?
Also, where did Tuco get a change of clothes from?
And who’s this stalking Tuco?
Better have me a bubble bath in the middle of this cannon fire
Wait… it’s the guy from the start of the film!!!
Never interrupt a man when he’s having a bubble bath
Follow him, Clem – At a safe distance
Clem is dead!
How did Blonde get in the bathroom?
It’s Tuco vs. Angel Eye’s men!! In an old fashion gun fight!!
Correction – Blonde is with Tuco now!
Nice to know Tuco always prays after killing someone
Who’s idea was it to have this fight in the middle of a cannonball shooting zone?
Nice to see Angel Eyes left a note for Tuco calling him an idiot
Damn! Caught again!
Tuco signs himself and Blonde to the blue army
The only way in is by drinking
Someone’s a little too drunk to be in charge
So… blowing up a bridge will stop the war?
EXPLOSIONS!!!! LOTS OF THEM!!!!
This just went from a wester into a war film
And the attack is on!!
“I’ve never seen so many men wasted so badly”
The attack has now taking place on the bridge
Blonde proposes plowing up the bridge
Don’t think it’s safe to be lighting a cigar near a box of explosives
Just gonna steal this stretcher if thats OK?
Tuco and Blonde take the explosives and plant them under the bridge
They both share secrets about where the gold is buried
Blonde tells Tuco the name on the grave that has the gold – Arch Stanton
And there goes the bridge
That bridge explosion made the captain die happy
SO MUCH CANNON FIRE!!!!
Blonde got so bored he fell asleep
Everyone’s left the campsite – That or everyone’s dead!!!
Welcome to Sad Hill
I know your in pain and dying but would you like my cigar?
Tuco’s left Blonde behind!
But one cannonball stops that!
Time to have some fun with Tuco
Good luck finding that grave in there
Where would you even start?
Who let the dog out?
Better start doing circles around the cemetary
He’s only gone and found it!!
The grave next to it says “Unknown”
Blonde arrives with a shovel and wearing a poncho
Angel Eyes arrives to join the party
Wrong grave!!!
Blonde writes the name on a stone and leaves it in the middle of the cemetary
Is Tuco letting Angel Eyes have the stone?
I guess not!
Crotch shot!
Make it three!
No one’s making a move!
The tension is killing me!!!
Both Tuco and Blonde shoot at Angel Eyes!!!
Angel Eyes dies face first in someone elses grave
Wait…. Tuco’s gun was unloaded!!!
The one grave with a tree has the gold
Quick question – How is Tuco gonna get all that gold out of the cemetary
Blonde makes Tuco hang himself for the gold
Blonde takes his share of the 200,000 as Tuco is hanging looking at his
It’s been nice knowing you Tuco! I’ll leave you here
Time to test my aim and shoot you free
Tuco is saved but still has his hands tied behind him
Blonde rides into the sunset as the theme song plays once more
THE END
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