The Blair Witch Project #MovieReview

ZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz!!!! Shit! The film’s over! Erm… so film 75 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” challenge is 1999’s “The Blair Witch Project”. Or as I’m calling it “Paranormal Activity: The Prequel”. I’m going to quote Roger Corman about what he had to say about this film, “I think The Blair Witch Project is an exceptionally well-conceived and well-made film.” Mr Corman, you are FULL OF SHIT!!! Boring isn’t the word to describe this. I couldn’t focus on anything the camera was shaking about all over the place. I got to the point where I was hoping something happened. Nothing happened. Everyone shouted at each other then they died! That’s the film summed up in a nutshell. Did people really think this really happened? Good God! Has the world gotten suddenly dumber in the 15 years since this film’s release? My only guess as to why this made the list was because this was the first horror film to be handheld and make it feel amateur. One of the directors, Daniel Myrick, would later go on to make 2008’s “Cloverfield” which he described as “very much in the spirit of Blair Witch” and “very ballsy.” However, despite all my criticism, this film was made on a $60,000 budget and managed to bring in £750,822 from UK Opening Weekend sales alone. I actually looked up the three actors in this film, Heather, Mike and Josh, to see if they have done anything noteworthy since. Heather went on to appear in one episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” in the 2005 episode “Charlie Wants an Abortion”. Mike went on to appear in two episodes of “Law and Order” in 2000’s “Mother’s Milk” and 2009’s “Snatched”. Josh went on to appear in several TV shows such as “NYPD Blue”, “CSI: NY”, “CSI: Miami” and “Bones” along with 2011’s “Shark Night 3D”. Enough rambling, if you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 1999’s “The Blair Witch Project.” I need a drink…

Film – The Blair Witch Project
Year – 1999
Director – Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez
Staring – Heather Donahue, Michael C. Williams, Joshua Leonard
IMDb Rating – 6.4/10
My Rating – WATCHING PAINT DRY IS BETTER
Length – 77 min (1h 17min)
Genre – Horror, Mystery

Reading
“This is my home” – It looks rubbish
Someone brought a 35mm camera to a film
Marshmellows – The ultimate camp food
Nice to know they filmed this at Halloween time
So is this a behind the scenes of a documentary there filming
The name of that gravestone was “Infant”
Don’t pick your nose on camera!!!
Why does the old man get the black and white treatment but everyone else gets colour?
Even this kid thinks this Blair Witch story is bullshit
That was a little too close-up
Welcome to Mary’s house
Mary’s gate is made of sticks
Yet another old person to get black and white footage. This film is ageist
So… all cameras are made in America (FUCK YEAH!!!) but lenses are made in Europe
How to prepare for a camp trip – Scotch and weed!
That guys glasses are bigger than his head
These two clearly don’t get along
Does everyone believe this?
Just blame booze for making up myths
There’s a Cabin in the Woods! Na Na Na Na Na
Just leave the car in the middle of nowhere in the woods
“That’s Coffin Rock” – Wish I could see it! Sadly, shakey cam stopped that
This documentary they’re making already sounds boring
Fart allowance in a tent! But no to smoking!
They clearly didn’t white balance this camera before shooting
Mike has bald spots on his chest
“What killed this mouse?” – I’m think lack of food
So… That’s what it looks like when women pee
If only someone brought a compass
Josh can’t read maps!
These three clearly didn’t go to Scouts/Brownies
“Think of the joy of being in a really good film” – You wish this was a good film
They’ve found a pile of rocks
Keep the camera steady
“If pirates had beer, they would have orgies” – Is Josh suggesting all pirates are gay?
Don’t knock over the rocks
You knocked over the rocks
I can’t see anything even with a torch
Heather has a shit stain on her jeans
Your mom gave you rain gear for your 18th birthday!
So their filming on 16mm not 35mm
This is getting boring
Mike’s a little pissed off
All I hear is a zipper! Is this turning into a porn with no picture?
I’m glad I’m not doing a drinking game on how many trees I see! I would be on the floor after two minutes
Damn deer woke me up again!
I can’t see a thing
It’s 3am! Damn!
There’s a pile of rocks outside their tent
Someone’s stolen the map!
Stop arguing about the map!
“It’s not that hard to get lost in America”
Everyone laugh at wet feet
Mike says he kicked the map into the creek
This is boring
This is like watching paint dry
Mike’s found stick figures hanging from trees
“No redneck is this creative”
My cat go so bored watching this he fell asleep
How lets kids play in the woods this late at night
I can’t see a thing
FUCK!!!! There’s still 30 minutes left
Someone’s emtpied Josh’s bag and thrown everything everywhere
Just blame the camera for everything
I’M BORED NOW!!!!
Is Heather saying they can’t get lost in the woods in America (FUCK YEAH!!!) because everyone knocks trees down
Let’s all sing the American’s National Anthem to calm down
Nothing quite like mum’s mashed potatoes to make everyone happy
Where’s Josh gone?
Question of the film – Who’s worst, the Wicked Witch of the East or the Wicked Witch of the West?
Is this what happens to smokers who haven’t smoked in several days?
And one again, I can’t see a thing
Let’s assume Josh got killed
Who left these pile of sticks outside my tent
And why are they tied with Josh’s shirt
Hooray! Mike found cigarettes!
The sticks have Josh’s dead body inside them
Let’s not tell Mike about this
Who’s Cal Ripkin?
Mike has turned into Bear Grylls! He’s eating leafs
Next he’ll be drinking his own piss
Heather apologises to everyone that everything’s her fault
She isn’t apologising for this film being shit
They’ve found a house!
Doesn’t look very nice
There is blood everywhere
And there goes Mike to the floor
And there goes Heather to the floor
THE END
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