Poltergeist #MovieReview

It’s here! It’s film 70 in the “1001 Films to See Before You Die” Challenge. And this is a special edition of the Film/Movie Review blog as I’m doing this in a very shitty hotel room in London where the hotel offers wifi but it turns out it’s broken and only works if you bring your computers/laptops to the toilets in reception (don’t ask why), the bed and air conditioning are broken, I can hear the people in the next room having sex, the bathroom smells of weed and Chinese takeaway. Long and short, don’t stay at Queens Hotel in Crystal Palace, London. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We’re here to talk about film 70 in the film challenge. Its 1982’s “Poltergeist”. Throughout the entire film, all I was thinking was, “Family Guy did a parody of this!” This is listed as a horror film. I didn’t think it was a horror film but it did give me a few jumps throughout. I thought this was more of a thriller movie. I was gripped from the first minute to the last. I very much enjoyed this. I did think when they defeated the spirits the first time that the film would end when the kids are asleep and the mother is relaxing in the bath. I was unaware of what happened afterwards even after seeing the Family Guy parody. I recommend checking this out and giving it a watch. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while I watched 1982’s “Poltergeist”

Film – Poltergeist

Year – 1982

Director – Tobe Hooper

Staring – JoBeth Williams, Heather O’Rourke, Craig T. Nelson

IMDb Rating – 7.4/10

My Rating – 7.3/10

Length – 109 min (1h 49min)

Genre – Horror

Nothing like the USA National Anthem to start

Every TV Station goes to static once the days done

That dog just stole her crisps

Stupid dog woke me up! Better walked downstairs

This child’s favourite TV show is static

Does she think the TV can talk to her?

Was he sleeping while wearing a baseball cap?

Nothing like visiting the countryside

This seems like a nice place to live

Like a radio control car can travel that far

Damn kids, I spilt my beer

Shout out to the Star Wars duvet

NO!!! The bird’s dead!!!

Nothing like a group of lads watching NFL

Stop changing the channel

Why do they share the same cable providers?

Mummy, why are you flushing the bird down the toilet?

Better give it a proper burial with a photo, a rose and a sheet of kitchen roll

Looks like rains on the way

Is she quoting Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”?

My pet bird just died! I NOW WANT A GOLDFISH!

Nothing like a good comic book before bed

Shout out to the Alien movie poster in the background

The kids are asleep! Better smoke that weed!

Nothing like reading a book about Ronald Reagan before bed

Are you using diving into a swimming pool as foreplay?

That a scary looking clown doll

Better cover its face with Chewbacca’s

You never saw us smoking

The tree is haunting me which begs the question – Why doesn’t he just close the curtains?

Does counting between lightning and thunder really work?

Stop having phone sex

Let’s have everyone sleep in the same bed apart from the teenager

Better play the USA National Anthem again

Is it wrong that I don’t know the lyrics to both the British and American National Anthems?

The TV is making weird whispering noises

A hand has just come out of the TV

EARTHQUAKE!!!!

“There here”

Better get rid of that tree

Stop playing with your food

That news man has a giant moustache & hair

Now how did that glass shatter – Cue Steve Austin to make an entrance

Better put static TV back on

Well that fork and spoon are buggered

Don’t watch static TV, watch this war documentary

The dog is barking at a hole in the wall

Is the hole controlling the dog?

That builder just stole a spoonful of baked beans

Wait… everything’s been cleaned up

How did those chairs get up there?

Just blame the “TV people”

The dad has a job selling houses in his neighbourhood

Looks like it’s gonna rain again tonight

Better try and explain everything to the husband

Pizza Hut!!!

You got far too excited about that chair moving by itself

Better try the same thing again with the child

Now many mosquito bites did he get

Who do you ring when furniture moves by itself?

The tree’s alive!!!!

This is some spooky shit!

Poltergeists love toys it seems

This is the second film I’ve seen where a tree has attacked someone although this one didn’t rape the child

That is one strong child

Well that’s one way to clean a room

So… where has Carolane gone?

The TV is talking to me!

Let’s just act like this never happened

Better explain myself to detectives

“We don’t go in the room anymore” – You’s can go in though

What the fuck happened in here?

Poltergeist wants coffee

Now I know all about poltergeists – And knowing is half the battle

Those are some big glasses

Better show the detectives that my daughter is in the TV

The dogs freaking out again

“I’m afraid of the light”

The roof just dropped jewellery

“She just moved through me” – Wait… what?!?

“Smell my clothes” – I finally washed them

Better check the bedroom clauset

That is a giant bite in his stomach

Leave the TV on – It’s our only source of light in the house

Drinking on the job! My idea of a professional!

I can’t understand this kids whispering

I would put subtitles on but PowerDVD put my settings on Japanese!

The answers to all of life’s questions are in the light!

“I got beat up by three bullies at school and they stole my lunch money!” – Bastards!

While everyone’s asleep I’ll snack on these Cheetos

Nice drawing

Just gonna steal your beef in the fridge and cook it if that’s alright while your asleep

That beef is moving by itself – I am now a vegetarian

Were there leeches in his mouth eating the chicken wing?

Now his face is melting

It was all a dream!

How has ne not noticed that the camera is moving by itself?

Oh – He’s listening to Hall & Oates!

Is the upstairs meant to be smoking like that?

The poltergeist is alive! And is a woman!

It just vanished into thin air

So many poltergeist!

Better send Robbie and the dog to Grandma’s while we deal with this

Quick question – Where’s the teen?

Please don’t show this on 60 Minutes

You bitch! You drank my gin!

Better send the boss outside and not let him know about the poltergeists!

Better knock before I enter the room we don’t enter anymore

The dad and the boss go for a walk to look at a new proposed building site

The boss says they’ll build Dad a new house for giving the company 42% profits

The site in question is a cemetery! Isn’t that sacrilegious?

The boss tells Dad they’re house is built on an old cemetery back in the 1970’s

Who the hell is she?

And why does she have a little girl voice for an old woman?

I just realised that their house has a bar

This random woman visits the room

I would laugh if she offers her hand and she has one of those eclectic zapper things

The woman says the daughter is alive and in the house

She tells everyone that the poltergeists aren’t aware that they’re dead and not alive

She also says the daughter can only talk to the mother

She then says that one poltergeist is evil and is controlling the daughter to do everything it says

Tennis balls – check, Rope – check, everyone outside the room – check

Let the plan begin to get the daughter back

“Get angry at your daughter” – You fucking answer me or you’re getting a beating

Time to enter the room – Dun dun dun!

It’s a rave in the kid’s room!!

The woman throws a tennis ball and it ends up downstairs

The woman then makes the mother tell the daughter to do the opposite to what she said to do earlier

The dad throws a rope into the light

“You’ve never done this before! Neither have you! Ok you go!”

Now’s not the time for hugs and kisses

The mother enters the light to get the daughter

Shit is getting serious!

What the fuck is that?!?

Both the mother and daughter return to the real world covered in what looks like red jello

Well… my work here is done!

The woman says the poltergeists have left the house

Better move out of this house before they return

We’re spending the night at a hotel

“I remember that place” – It’s the place where I (CENSORED]

The daughter doesn’t remember any of it

How does someone suddenly get grey hair within one night?

Better die my hair to get rid of the grey

That dog just looked at the mother naked getting into the bath

So… we meet again clown! You don’t scare me

Is this how this film ends with everyone asleep?

Where’s the clown gone?

It’s behind you!

Looks like the poltergeists never left

The mothers crawling on the ceiling

Robbie rips up the clown doll as the kids are locked in their room

“No more”

The mother somehow ends up outside and in the swimming pool

The dead are coming back to life!

Nice to see the neighbours finally help out

That hallway suddenly just got longer

What the fuck happened to the closet?

The mother saves the kids from their room as dad and the boss return home

Let’s blame the boss about everything

So that’s where the teens been all this time

The house is being demolished

Well let that be a lesson to all property developers! Don’t build houses on cemeteries

Wow! The Holiday Inn looks like crap in the 1980’s

Think I’m getting fired in the morning! Goodnight!

Better throw the TV out in the rain to avoid all that happening again

THE END

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