Just like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, I’ve decided to do my review in the style of a Twitter feed. At points, I felt like the movie dragged in places. Especially in the middle. At times, I felt very sleepy and lost interest one or twice in the film. Anyway, here are my thoughts on 1922’s Nosferatu!
Directed by F.W. Murnau
Stars – Max Schreck, Greta Schröder, Ruth Landshoff
IMDb Rating – 8/10
My Rating – 6/10
Black and White horror film from the 1920s – This should be interesting
Nice to see the credits at the start of the film
The first mate is played by Wolfgang – Sweet name
“The name alone can chill the blood!”
No audio from the actors – Just 94 minutes of flute music set to film
Unlike Close Encounters I KNOW THE NAMES OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS (Jonathan and Nina)
There is dialogue!!! It’s on the screen!!!
“Wait, young man. You can’t escape desting by running away…”
That old man doesn’t look happy
“The agent Renfield was a strange man, and were unpleasant rumours about him” – I hate rumours about me!
You can tell hes a scientist by his hair
“Here is an important letter from Transylvania. Count Dracula wises to buy a house in our city” – The Count has money???
“It’s a good opportunity for you, Harker. The Count is ricj, and free with his money.” – He also wants you, Harker… I think he does
Screw writing the rest of the subtitles – I’M GONNA MAKE MY OWN UP
That scientist reminds me of a uni lecturer I had at Bradford Uni
Shot of an old barn – instantly makes me think of “The House of the Rising Sun” song
Jonathan runs in and tells his wife hes going away… not before picking up his hat
Kiss me bitch!!!
His friend is called Westerina… that’s a guys name???
“Don’t Worry. Nothing will happen to me” – Clear indication that something will happen to him
Back in their day, everyone travelled by horse
His suitcase is a sack! Or is it a pillow case?
Jonathan is already drunk after one shot! – Weakling
Jonathan laughs at evil spirits
I’m gonna make this room like the one in mine… excuse me for a moment
Jonathan finds “The Book of the Vampires”
The first Nosferatu was born in 1443 according to the book
“I’M SO TIRED!!”
Man runs through field in a shirt and no pants – Seems normal nowadays
Jonathan turned his shirt into a robe
I feel like these are lost/unused shots from Red Dead Redemption
Now I’ve said that, all I can think about is calling Jonathan something else… Maybe John Marston
“Oh no the sun’s setting”
“We can’t go no further. Not for a fortune” – What’s a fortune?
Jonathan still laughs at evil
The picture quality is a bit crap – Then again it is 1922. I wasn’t expecting a HD presentation with 3D Vampires coming out of my TV
“Quick! To somewhere that’s not here!”
INVERTED BLACK AND WHITE!!!
“That way! Up that tower”
“Thank you strange man”
“Don’t leave me… Bastard”
Snare drum added to music – something’s about to happen
Dragula has WWE wrestler Triple H’s nose – Maybe it’s best for business at the time
Jonathan – “This is nice! What is it?” Dracula – “It’s human… I mean chicken!”
Jonathan accidently slices his thumb and bleed
Dracula sees blood
BITE HIM ALREADY
Rule 101 when about to be killed by villain – DON’T WALK BACKWARDS INTO A CORNER OF A ROOM! INSTANT DEATH
“Have I been bit?” (Looks in mirror) “No.”
“Nothing like a bit of wine to start the day”
Jonathan has written a letter to his wife, Nina
He can magically write an entire sentence in a second
“Hahaha. I’m very funny”
“Excuse me! You on the horse! Deliver his letter to my wife! Look I know you don’t know her just deliver the bloody thing!”
Dracula – “What is this? A picture of your wife! She has a nice throat!”
Dracula wants to be neighbours with Jonathan
This causes Jonathan to quickly gather his things and hide in his room
“You can recognize the mark of a vampire by its marks!”
Add the creeky door noise in post-production
Door opens by itself as Dracula slowly walks into the room
Dracula appears to have elvish like ears
That is the weirdest looking shisha I’ve ever seen
“Nina? Nina!! GET ME A DOCTOR!!!”
Spooky shadow on wall
Nina thinks Jonathan can hear her from another country
Whoops! Nina, you’ve got Draculas attention! Not Jonathans
Door magically can shut by itself
Apparently Jonathan did hear her cry for help
“Dracula? Nows not the time for hide and seek”
“Dracula? Are you hidding in this perfectly placed coffin?”
“Why yes you are!”
“HOLY SHIT YOU’RE A VAMPIRE!!!”
Dracula awakes to start assembling what looks like a table pyramid
“I must escape! Where are my very white bed sheets?”
Jonathan lands ass first on the concrete floor below
“Some peasents brought him in”
“COFFINS! I SEE COFFINS!!”
The music really doesn’t have any feeling towards it – It’s as if some musicians have gone to a recording studio and started playing orchestral instruments while absolutely drunk
A rat just bit Jonathan
I completely forgot about Van Helsing being in the film
Van Helsing is seen teaching students about carniverous plants
That plant just ate a fly
“That plant is the vampire of the vegetable garden”
That policeman has a awesome mustache
“Quick come with me!”
Dracula wants blood!
That policemans mustache is a bit crooked
Dracula just bit the policeman!
Policeman – “You’re under arrest Dracula”
Dracula – “SPIDERS!”
Policeman didn’t have handcuffs in 1920’s they used string!
Nina is now on a beach covered with crosses
“I HAVE A LETTER FOR NINA!” – How the hell did you find her?
Nina goes to stand up, cut to next shot where she is still sat on the bench
“Thank you nurse for healing me”
A PIRATE SHIP!!!
“New plague baffles science” says newspaper headline
MORE FUCKING READING!!!
If I knew I had to read so much I would have put my glasses on!
That man needs to shave his sideburns
“Shut up! You’re a woman! Get back in the kitchen” – Wow thats kinda sexist of me to say that
So say this is a horror I haven’t found anything scary – I’m more tired than scared
Add the organ to the music
Two men throw what appears to be a bodybag of the ship into the sea
One of the men starts hacking away at a coffin which is filled with rats!
“Sir! Sir! It’s a vampire!”
The man then falls into the sea never to be seen again
Dracula is somehow fine considering its day outside – Don’t tell me he’s one of those Twilight vampires that sparkles in daylight
Ship goes up, ship goes down
I’m very tired now!
My bed looks comfy
Speaking of beds, Nina awakes from hers and outside
Her friend is possessed by Dracula
“I must go see him!”
Giant ship slowly sails into shot
“The Master is coming”
That grate just opened by itself
Oh no Draculas back!
FIGHT!! It’s the scientist vs the policeman – SPOILER ALERT The Scientist wins by a takedown – Have I suddenly just started watching UFC/MMA
It’s a rat! Last rat I saw bit Jonathan
I am now bored of this film
Dracula has no problem carrying a coffin all on his own – He does has superpowers – He’s like The Incredible Hulk!
Kiss me again bitch!!!
Nina now feels more safe knowing Jonathan is safe in her arms
Dracula is still carrying this coffin while sailing a boat on his own – Who says men can’t multitask
Holy crap I just saw some CGI – Dracula went invisible!
“The captains dead!”
“We couldn’t find a single soul alive on board”
It takes three men to carry a dead person of a ship
Just chuck him in the sea
“Ship’s log April 29 1898” – Why did I say that in the style of Star Trek
“Hello, Van Helsing, nice to meet you. This man is dead!”
“Ignore that, I’ve found this!”
ENOUGH OF THE READING!!
Man plays tong drum – music plays pan flute and violin instead
A notice appears on screen – I didn’t read it!
I have now lost interest in the film
Goes to check how long is left – About 15 minutes
Nina opens a book that she told her husband she would never open
This causes her to fall asleep
We see the quote about vampire marks again
We are then told that women can break the spell
“Keep the vampire by her side until after the cock has crowned” – How do you crown a cock?
Jonathan looks pissed when Nina walks away crying
How to express anger staring Jonathan – Place your hands on your hips and do a duck face!
It is at this point where by brain says that there should do a remake of this
“Bring out your dead!” – Yes I just quoted Monty Python and the Holy Grail
We see the quote about women breaking the spell again
Still don’t know what a crowned cock is – Don’t Google it!
Dracula is spotted!
A man is seen on a roof throwing stones before climbing down
Back to Nina who is sewing
Even that makes her sleepy
Dracula hides in a field and can’t be spotted
The towns people have got him!
They decide to lock him up!
YOU CAN GO INVISIBLE… YOU COULD EASILY ESCAPE!
You escape by going the “Michael Jackson Thriller dance”
“Get back in bed!”
“Call the professor”
Make that two
Jonathan – “Professor come quick!”
Professor – “One moment, I have to teach you about plants”
JUST FUCKING BITE HER ALREADY
Dracula hears birds and so do we
“Get down from there!”
Is Dracula dying?
Dracula dies by turning into smoke – SPOILER ALERT
They spell Jonathan’s name differently – they spell it “Jonathon”